Engagement, Creativity, Inspiration

Once again, it's been a while since I've written here, and I don't feel like there's too much new to share.

- Being engaged gets better every day. I love the opportunities to learn how to struggle with, support, and love my fiance better. I didn't become engaged when I found my dream man or ideal situation; I decided to become engaged with someone who I knew I could have that with [(potential + desire + work) x him x me = success]. That was my experience, at least. It took a step of faith in the face of fear, but I love the chance now to create and write my own "happily ever after" story. Z and I go really well together. 

- I've been getting the creative bug lately. With the prospects of planning a wedding, getting married, setting up a house, and preparing for a family, there's plenty of opportunity for creativity in recipes, decoration, budgeting, etc. With my great-grandma's funeral in the last couple weeks, I started thinking of ways I could pass on the stories and lessons from her life to my children. My idea now is to buy these "Bare Books" (here's what looks like the official manufacturer/vendor's website) and fill them with stories from ancestors' lives. It's one idea. Z and I also have fun getting creative with recipes: last night's dinner was a stir fry with green cabbage, green pepper, pineapple, asparagus, and canned chicken over white rice. We just looked at what we have and put flavors together. 

- There was a forum address today on campus that I really enjoyed. I don't know any of his biography, but Dr Benjamin Carson was the speaker, and the university wasn't allowed to broadcast his address (requiring us to go in person). When he concluded, he received 3 standing ovations from everyone present. I particularly enjoyed how he talked about education in society and its importance. It hit home for me, because reading is how I came to enjoy learning as a child, and getting that desire back into my education will ensure that I learn for more than just passing the midterm and final. Dr Carson seemed to suggest that being educated is both a personal, civic, and even religious responsibility, and that to go on and share that is also a responsibility. It motivated me to do better for myself, and to think about how I can pass on those values to my children.

That's kinda my life now: trying to keep up in school (anatomy is really hard...), planning wedding stuff, and thinking about the future. Every day is a new adventure. 

Lands of Promise

Some thoughts I wrote about in my journal this week, and have now revised for publication:

...it mentions the blessing of living in this promised land... and I wondered why America/the US is a promised land and a blessing to those who live there. Then I had the thought that it became a land of promise because of the promise of the events to transpire there. It isn't because of a superiority hierarchy which makes the US special. It's special because of its heritage with the Book of Mormon and its people, and because of the Restoration and establishment of the Latter-Day Saints that took place here. Other countries can be, and I'm sure are, blessed and promised to their inhabitants on the condition of coming unto God, like for us. If the Abrahamic Covenant is renewed with each individual or married couple [including blessings of a promised land of inheritance], then why would other individuals not also be recipients of a covenant of righteousness and prosperity with God, even if we don't have records of a formal agreement with a particular ancestor? God loves each of His children, and will bless and prosper them as they come unto Him, be it from whatever circumstance they may be in.

In the scriptures we read about various "promised lands." For Moses and the Israelites, it was the land of Canaan. For people who read the Book of Mormon, we read a LOT about how for the Jaredite and Lehite people, it's the Americas. Combining native patriotism with the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints being restored in America as well, sometimes people get fixed on the idea that the United States of America is THE promised land for all the righteous in our time. Since my experience getting out of the US last summer, the thought of America's superiority has been thrown into question, and I think this epiphany is my answer.

Here's a couple scriptures from the Book of Mormon:

For none of these iniquities come of the Lord; for he doeth that which is good among the children of men; and he doeth nothing save it be plain unto the children of men; and he inviteth them all to come unto him and partake of his goodness; and he denieth none that come unto him, black and white, bond and free, male and female; and he remembereth the heathen; and all are alike unto God, both Jew and Gentile. (2 Nephi 26:33)

Behold, the Lord esteemeth all flesh in one; he that is righteous is favored of God. (1 Nephi 17:35) 

Living in a certain place or belonging to a particular family is no guarantee that we'll get to heaven or merit all of the possible blessings. We're all given various life circumstances that will best promote our growth and potential for happiness, but ultimately, where we end up comes down to what we decide: are we going to make the individual choice to follow Christ, or not.

Prophets Are People, Too

I really like the places in scriptures where you see raw feelings and interactions of the author, like Enoch and God in Moses 7 (verses 20-67, in the Pearl of Great Price) and what's been called "Nephi's Psalm" in 2 Nephi 4 (verses 15-35). One of these moments where you get a glimpse inside the real person writing is found in Ether 12.

Moroni, the son of Mormon, is going through and abridging these records. Just a few verses into this chapter, he takes a break from the historical text to go on a tangent about faith and its relevance, and he lists many examples of faith preceding great miracles that he's read about in the course of abridgment. After this, Moroni breaks down:

And I said...Lord, the Gentiles will mock at these things, because of our weakness in writing; for Lord thou hast made us mighty in word by faith, but thou hast not made us mighty in writing; for thou hast made all this people that they could speak much, because of the Holy Ghost which thou hast given them; and thou hast made us that we could write but little, because of the awkwardness of our hands. Behold, thou hast not made us mighty in writing unto the brother of Jared, for thou madest him that the things which he wrote were mighty even as thou art, unto the overpowering of man to read them. Thou hast also made our words powerful and great, even that we cannot write them; wherefore, when we write we behold our weakness, and stumble because of the placing of our words; and I fear lest the Gentiles shall mock at our words.

Sometimes that happens to me too. Usually when I see a great art piece, or hear a beautiful song played or sung, or whatever, I appreciate their great talent. Once in a while, if I'm already inclined to be discouraged, I see the great things others can do, and I feel like next to them, I'll never amount to anything. I know that that isn't true, but I still occasionally feel that way.

That's why I think this passage in Ether is so significant, because Moroni feels the same way too! He sees the great things done by others, and specifically compares himself to the brother of Jared, and puts himself down because he doesn't have the same talents. Moroni was a great man and a prophet, and he still felt lame sometimes by comparing himself to others. Something else that I thought was important to note is that Moroni still acknowledges that he does have strengths ("thou hast made us mighty in word by faith, but thou hast not made us mighty in writing"), but he isn't focusing on them - he's placing more importance on the things he lacks.

Here is God's response:

Fools mock, but they shall mourn; and my grace is sufficient for the meek; that they shall take no advantage of your weakness; and if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them. Behold, I will show unto the Gentiles their weakness, and I will show unto them that faith, hope and charity bringeth unto me--the fountain of all righteousness.

I've probably written about this before, but I've had something cool about this pointed out to me: that God says "I will show unto them their weakness." God shows us how he sees our weakness: not how we view our weaknesses, not how our friends see our weakness, or how our enemies see our weakness. God is perfectly just and perfectly loving, as well as the source of all truth. As I've posted before, the gospel of Jesus Christ is an optimistic one. Yes, the reality of our weaknesses hurts, and it's not fun. But, the miracle of the gospel is that Christ accounts for all of these pains, weaknesses, and mistakes, and with His help, we can conquer them.

The next verse, containing Moroni's response, reads:

And I, Moroni, having heard these words, was comforted, and said: O Lord, thy righteous will be done, for I know that thou workest unto the children of men according to their faith.

Even though Moroni's weakness wasn't removed from him at that time, he was able to receive comfort from God because he relied on his faith that things would work out. If it works for Moroni, it'll work for me and you too.

Taking Away the Fear in Promises

I've noted before that I've been somewhat "commitment-phobic" over the past year, even when considering things that I really want. If I commit to something and fail, I'm more accountable for that failure than if I never made the commitment, and that can be a scary thought. However, committing, covenanting, binding and promising are really important, not just because it's a commandment or societal expectation, but because doing so builds us into better people.

A lot of times, it's tempting to put off a commitment until we can be sure that we won't fail in fulfilling it. I often do that. But something I'm learning (which I can't take any credit for) is that oftentimes, we don't get the strength to do the task until we've committed to do it. We see all over in the scriptures that God first requires us to be humble and take a step in the dark before He grants us additional power to do what we need to. Thus, commitment requires a leap of faith that making promises activates God's grace and power on our behalf. If I'm afraid of failure after making a promise, I either think I'm doing it alone or I think that God's power is insufficient. Since neither option is true, the logical choice is to exercise faith, make the commitment, and then trust that God's hand is/will be in my life to guide me and make my weaknesses perfect in His strength.

Thus, making commitments fearlessly requires faith, and gives us the opportunity to work with God. These consequences are quite beneficial to us, and as we use our decision-making power in this way, it makes us into stronger, more confident, more capable people. We can establish integrity within ourselves and in our relations with other people. We can become dependable and trustworthy. Who doesn't want that?

So when my boyfriend proposed to me, I could use my faith in Christ and push for faith in myself and answer him, "Yes" :D I can't wait, because marrying him will be AWESOME! It's a big decision, but since I've made the commitment, I've felt my ability to stick to it increase. I love seeing how God works in my life.

Hope as an Anchor

Wherefore, whoso believeth in God might with surety hope for a better world, yea, even a place at the right hand of God, which hope cometh of faith, maketh an anchor to the souls of men, which would make them sure and steadfast, always abounding in good works, being led to glorify God.

Ether 12:4

It's interesting how the (rather cynical) world informs you that to be hopeful is to be carried away by a flimsy wish or fantasy. Someone who is hopeful for something they can't see is naive, childish, and misguided. I think that opinion is inaccurate. This scripture from the Book of Mormon teaches just the opposite: that hope (based on faith) acts as an anchor, rooting a person in solid ground. Though it might sound counterintuitive, I've seen its truth in my own life.

I've experienced distinct periods in my life flavored by either hope or despair, hope's opposite. Despair for me often comes when I've failed myself when I know I'm capable of better. When it's particularly bad or generalizes to more parts of my life, I feel restless, doubtful, unsettled, withdrawn, and dissatisfied, and I go to bed late because I feel unfulfilled, and I tend to ignore regular mealtimes or revert to anxiously nibbling on comfort food. I feel like I've failed, and no matter how much I try, I can't do better - my situation won't change. That's what a lack of hope feels like to me. I'm dragged down by my past, and feel adrift, unstable, and fearful about the future.

The times when I feel like I am truly hopeful are completely different. I feel at peace with myself, that even if things aren't great now, that they'll get better. I feel more confident and trusting now and for the future. I feel more capable and optimistic. I feel stable, or anchored. Those feelings enable me to move forward and live more daringly and securely (odd combination, huh?). Thus, having faith in the present helps me have hope for the future, because I trust that it'll work out, and I'll be ok. It's like a self-fulfilling prophecy - by choosing faith, you choose to be hopeful and be happy (and even occasionally excited!), and make it happen.

Most of the time, I feel pretty middle-of-the-road. I have some doubts that come when I make mistakes or face decisions, but I know how to judge between which doubts are important and which are irrelevant. If I have to pick, my heart and spirit want to err on the side of hope, because hope gives me a chance to live, while despair kills the chance before I can take it. Living that way - choosing hope (and love, and faith, its companions) - makes happiness possible and invites it into my life.

Hurray for Hope! Hurray for Love! Hurray for Faith! And Glory to God in the highest! All things are possible through Him.

Shopping Around: How to Choose?

With the way that the world has grown, nationally and globally, our options for many things have dramatically increased, and we have more opportunity to make choices.

In education: In the US, there is mandatory public K-12 education, and many opportunities for schooling beyond that. We have community colleges, universities, trade schools, home schools, private schools, public schools, etc. Even within a specific university, you can have hundreds of combinations of majors, minors, and emphases.

In retail/shopping: It's nice to have options! If you want to spend money on higher quality (or just trendy) stuff, you can. You can also find good quality things for competitively low pricing. I like going grocery shopping and being able to survey the variety of brands and products and choose which is best for me (it reminds me of the description of a virtuous woman purchasing a field in Proverbs 31).

In my social life: When I came to college, I discovered some life-changing facts that have taken years to sink in. 1) That I'm awesome, worth a lot, and can be valued as a person, quirks included, and 2) that intelligent, attractive, chivalrous men do exist and can actually be interested in me sometimes. With a wide variety of friend- and dating-candidates, I could be more selective and develop some great relationships.

However, there are some sneaky, unforeseen issues that can arise with having so many options. How on earth does one make an exclusive choice? It took me 3 years to finally declare a major. I guess commitment isn't too much of an issue in grocery shopping... but in dating? Yeah, that's important.

The past year has been an interesting one for me. I started realizing some things about myself - goals I wanted and challenges I had - that I wasn't sure how to reconcile. Getting married and having a family has always been really important to me, and I felt I was reaching the age/maturity where I wanted to date for keeps instead of just to have fun. But at the same time, I was scared. That's a big life choice, a big change, and one of the most important commitments to make in a lifetime. How much love for one person will I need in order to feel comfortable closing myself off to other potential options? With so many available and attractive options, it can be frightening or disconcerting to make my choice. A permanent choice that I don't want to second-guess or mess up on.

My great-grandma collaborated with my mother to write her biography, and when she died, a copy of the book was given to each of her descendants. It was cool to read through it and learn the history and personality of a woman, my progenitor, with whom I wasn't very familiar while she was here. She and my great-grandpa had been neighbors growing up, and while she dated a few other men in college, she ended up marrying her neighbor boy, and it seemed to be a very natural choice for her. She wrote,

I was outside weeding Mother's flowers and he asked me for a date for Saturday night. I thought he was just kidding so I said, 'Oh sure!' We'd grown up together and were more like brother and sister... A few days later he called me on the phone to check and see if we really had a date, and I told him I thought he'd been kidding me. He said, 'Well, I'm not!' We went together for six weeks before we were engaged and we were married in three months. It wasn't as if we'd needed to get acquainted, we'd known everything about each other all our lives...

My great-grandma could have married one of the guys she met at the small college she attended (saying that she wasn't completely limited to her hometown), but she still married someone she knew from her small hometown. Almost 80 years later, I'm pretty far from my hometown, and I'm in a much larger university than the one she attended. I don't think I'd be very happy marrying anyone I knew from back home, so I'm definitely glad for the wider array of options here, but it makes me wonder... Is choosing a spouse, someone to love forever, any harder now than it was back then? In some ways I think it's definitely more challenging, with the need to narrow down from so many more options. But the core issue - making a decision for life (for eternity, really) - maybe hasn't changed as much as I thought. I'm going to be digesting this idea for a while.

Growth and Relationships

Yikes, I hardly have time or things to post about on here anymore. (That said, I have 5 drafts still pending that require more research before posting).

About a year ago, I made a lot of personal decisions about my romantic relationships. No more sharing the personal happy moments on my public blog. Related to that, I also want to remember that my relationships are about me and the other person - the details are on a need-to-know basis, and we can label and specify our relationship as we see it. I wanted to slowly ease into relationships naturally, instead of a stop-and-go "official this and official that" approach, and to build a strong friendship base before seriously dating. Some of these resolutions and ideals have been more effective than others. All of them were well-intentioned, but many of them contributed to a bigger problem that I didn't fully see at first or understand - these became part of a protective wall that I built around myself against forming vulnerable (romantic, in particular) relationships with another person.

I have been very aware of how the relationships I have - romantic or not, official or not - have affected me and influenced my growth as a person. With every acquaintance I become close to, I learn ways to improve myself and see the world through yet another lens. I have been very blessed and lucky to have known, loved, and become intimately acquainted with some fantastic people over the years and in varying circumstances; it's impossible to name or number all the ways I have grown because of them.

I'm just feeling really grateful. I am such a people person, and I love the infinite variation between people's choices, personality, circumstances, and the way that they all interact together. I love coming to know individuals for their unique individuality, and I often come to love each of them in different ways and degrees. I often think about how I couldn't have become the person I am today if I didn't move where I did after high school, but now more importantly, I think that I couldn't have become who I am without the people I met in the time that I met them. Even if I've grown distant from these people with the passage of time, there are still multihued threads of memory and affection that connect them to my heartstrings in some way or another. My hope, prayer and faith is that someday in heaven I'll have the chance to reel all these threads back in, and relive the joy of association with all these wonderful people.

I guess this is all another testament of God's love for me. He knows my heart, my needs, my preferences, and my fears. He is a Grand Architect in coordinating billions of lives together in ways to maximize their growth and opportunities for happiness. I see the ways that I have been blessed through the people in my life, and I thank God for His mercy, benevolence, love and wisdom. I should take time more often for reflection, because looking back leads me to gratitude for all I've been given (and gives me a point to move forward from). Praise the Lord, amen :)