Winter Magic

I'm awake far later than I ever should be, and I have a rather pathetic reason for it: I was bored, I didn't feel like sleeping, and so... I started making paper snowflakes.

I'm not the biggest snow person out there: it's cold and wet and turns into slush that soaks my jeans and shoes. But it's also undeniable how beautiful snow can be. Especially when it's falling and when it's laying on the ground, untouched. I was running errands on campus early in the evening yesterday and walked outside into a thick flurry of snow blowing through the air and already carpeting the sidewalks and grass. My breath caught at the simple, clean beauty of it. It was enough snow to make everything white without creating terrible inconvenience yet. I wanted to capture the moment, but I didn't have my camera on me; and honestly, I don't think the camera could capture it.

Hours later, in the warmth of my apartment, I started cutting out paper snowflakes. As I experimented with different shapes, I was often pleasantly surprised with the intricate designs that resulted as I unfolded each one. It was like magic to open each snowflake and see how the snips in the paper turned it into an individual creation in its own right. What do you then do with 30-something paper snowflakes? (Half were left from an activity earlier this month). I took some thread, scissors and scotch tape, and hung each of them from my living room ceiling. The variety is quite intriguing, and together they make for a lovely indoor snowstorm.

Now, I'm not sure if paper snowflakes are worth staying up until 6am for... They probably aren't, but it was certainly a fun undertaking :) And, I don't need to worry about decorating for a New Year's party!

Perspectives

The inability to "see the end from the beginning" is a frequently-used proverb about perspectives. It is true - back when I was 12, there's no way I could have pictured myself at the age I am now being the person that I am, and that's not even looking from the very beginning to the very end! Being able to move forward in faith when we don't know and can't see what lies ahead of us is a very important skill to learn, and one that needs constant learning.

Another truth that we often overlook is that we also can't "see the beginning from the end" quite yet, because we're not at the end! Looking at small examples of this can help illustrate the importance of this perspective though. There's only two men that I've ever been in a serious relationship with, but before them, there were several guys over the years that I had crushes on. The circumstances, however, were never conducive to anything more than mutual crushing (pre-serious relationships); naturally, that was incredibly frustrating at the time. I still enjoyed great (though even that was debatable at times) friendships with these guys, and I learned many, many things that helped me become a better person and that prepared me for future relationships. With "J", I learned about having pure motives, and I had to develop self-discipline and say 'no' to something I really wanted because it wasn't the right time. I also had to learn a bit of patience that that young man :) From "S" I learned a lot about loving people and he helped me to become more comfortable with myself. And countless others before and since have taught me different things that have helped shape me into who I am today.

Basically, moral of this post is that we cannot yet see our current trials/successes in 20/20 hindsight (or even less than perfect hindsight). So even if things don't seem to make sense as they're happening, just wait a while, and sooner or later you'll be able to see why something happened the way it did. Some things may have to be revealed after our mortal life, but we'll know, in time...

Biding (and Enjoying) My Time

The last post was about how I was feeling impatient for something that is still likely a week and a half away. But I've redirected my focus. Nothing major, but I'm having a lot more fun now :)

Instead of anxiously waiting and anticipating the future, I'm enjoying the moment I'm in for what it's worth (and each is a treasured moment). In the last couple days, I've been able to appreciate things like being outside in the evening during the quiet snowfall, getting fed at work, learning how to do new things and becoming more capable, savoring a pink peppermint milkshake, laughing with friends over goofy stories (both real and hypothetical stories), tickling my youngest brother and sister while they're hiding in sleeping bags, and really, feeling the Holy Spirit as I read the Book of Mormon. I don't know if I'll be able to meet my goal of finishing by the year's end (I started kind of late and got sidetracked), but I'm having a really good experience as I try to catch up. It really makes me want to ingrain daily Book of Mormon reading into my life, permanently (I've succeeded in making it a habit a few times over the years, but I get complacent and it wanes). It's made such a difference and my life is being slowly, gently, thoroughly flooded with the light, peace, love and righteous desire that come from and through Jesus Christ. For that, I am so grateful. My life has been blessed in countless ways, in every facet of my existence, and I owe it all to Him.

I bear this testimony that Jesus Christ lives! He loves each of us, and died for each of us as well as dying for us all (the Atonement covers all of mankind, but He willingly did it to save me. And you. And my neighbor and your neighbor and our "enemies". Everyone.) He is my everything; without Him, I'm like a hollow, dried straw that blows about lifeless wherever the wind takes it. It sounds a bit cliche, but I don't know how else to describe the feeling. My life, my happiness, my abilities and successes are all possible because of Him. If I were wise, I would never forsake Him. The good news is that He is there to help me learn from my mistakes and become wiser in the future; as long as I keep trying, He will never turn His help away. God is pretty much amazing :) Always and forever, He is my God - for that and so many more things, I am eternally grateful.

Lessons in the Learning?

Waiting can be so hard sometimes. On one hand I realize that having time is important, and that rushing things can often make them worse. On the other hand, I'd really like to get things figured out so I can move ahead. Waiting and uncertainty... My mind is wandering tirelessly (or tiredly?) in the same circles over and over, looping back to the same things as before. Time will give me the answers I lack, and now I just need to sit tight and figure out my end. I guess those (patience and dealing with uncertainty) are lessons I need to learn. Can't I learn any faster? :)

Last Week of the Semester

Finals week scares me. Yes, everyone has to take the big, mean, ugly tests that are usually a comprehensive summary of the semester, but they strike a different kind of fear in me. I can't shove studying aside any longer to work on cleaning my room, grocery shopping, cook, plan Christmas presents, or do any of the other productive excuses I've used for my time so far this semester. I'm being called to account for the effort I put into school - what my parents pay for, teachers prepare for, and other students sweat over - and it's not pleasant. This fear brings a paralysis, a wrought-over feeling in my gut, unconsciously clenching my jaw, and lines of worry that knit themselves in furrows across my forehead.

It's not that I don't like learning. I do. And I could come up with a million excuses for not doing the work during the semester: initially it's things like that I didn't pay enough attention to the syllabus to realize something was due. Then it becomes fear and shame of going to class when I'm not prepared and the teacher expects better of me. Laziness and boredom in class also play roles; I just don't feel like doing the work or it's uninteresting and I lose motivation to do it. These excuses are all true, but they are also fairly pathetic. When the semester draws to a close, I remember my responsibility to get good grades (not that I ever really forgot it - I just ran out of room to hide from it), and because that's in serious jeopardy, I get scared.

And so this is where I find myself, on the second-to-last day of finals week. One scheduled final tomorrow morning, and a second to frantically study for before the testing center closes tomorrow night. The foot of my bed is covered in clothes I wore over the last few days, and my desk has been littered with letters, books, notes, and various things (mostly papers) that ought to be cleaned up. I'm not worried about dinner, fortunately - I've got plenty of options, and most shouldn't take long to make. Hopefully I know what to study now, I just need to do it.

As I resolved earlier this week after a disappointing test score (not bad, but not as good as I wanted or expected), whether I succeed or fail, my God is and will remain to be the God of Israel. I will not make my faith contingent upon test results.

No More Mystery

So, that desire I talked about in my last post... I feel like it's safe to be more open about it now. Long story short: after a month of separation, my boyfriend and I are back together. We both learned some things individually during that time that it would have been hard or impossible to learn any other way. And we're both very happy where things are now :)

Case closed, mystery revealed. Now, time for sleep.

Faith, Thoughts, and a Change of Heart

There's been a lot on my mind this week. Actually... a lot of it is just one person, and I'll get to that. But it's changed - what and how I've been thinking - in the last few hours.

I've been thinking a lot about someone this week, due to seeing him again (it had been a while) and hearing a really interesting perspective from a friend. Seeing him reminded me how much I've missed being with him, so spending time together this week has been absolutely lovely.

Tonight I re-read a couple months' worth of entries from my journal to look for a particular thing, but I ended up finding something else that is much more valuable. I mentioned in previous posts how the last month has been a hard one for me emotionally and on a spiritual level. Now that I'm looking back, I can see some correlations between things I hadn't necessarily connected before. It really does testify of what I described in my last post - that Christ is the only sure, stable foundation for happiness. I hadn't "lost my testimony" or anything in the second half of October, but my journal does reveal that during the time when I was struggling spiritually, a lot of other things became "more wobbly". Academics, self-esteem, relationships, general stress levels... At the very root of my problems, I felt like I was grasping at straws for any sign or feeling of God's love for me. I couldn't understand why He would (as my journal relates) "love such a sinner as me? He gives and gives and loves, and I just try and fail." I knew that He did (and does) love me, but didn't see why.

Like I said, I've been turning myself around as I allow Christ to take me by the hand and guide me. I'm really trying to be better, and my heart is being changed. This week I've been fixated on a specific desire that I think is possible (and perhaps probably); it's a good desire, and I think it's perhaps the right one. So, I've been wanting to make it happen as soon as possible... But tonight, I felt a change in my heart: I still have the same desire, but I'm feeling much more capable of being patient for it to come to pass. I would love it if I could find out right now what this other person thinks and if he wants the same things I want, but now may not be a good time. So, I'm relying on the Lord and trusting him rather than trying to do it myself or give into my own worries. I'm taking a leap of faith... As to my desires, "If after you release a butterfly [that you've hypothetically raised], it comes back, then you know it's yours. If it doesn't come back, then it was never yours to begin with." God will make sure it works out.

I'm glad for the change that Christ is working in my heart. Someday, all my weaknesses will be made up. Someday, as I continue to be faithful and try hard, I will be as Christ is. And in the meantime, He loves me and is helping me to do the things that I need to do. I just need to trust Him.

In the name of my beloved Savior, Jesus Christ, amen.