I went back and looked through all my old profile pictures on facebook, and it's been kind of sad to see the pictures, read the comments, and remember.
A couple major themes come out of my thoughts: I was/am very self-centered (even when I was getting down on myself and being "humble"), and loss has colored many happy memories and made them painful to recollect. What do you do with that?
For one, I sincerely want to grow up a bit and quit being so selfish and wondering how people think of me. Very few people go out of their way to give out insincere compliments--I just need to accept them and move on when they come! Not think about convincing the giver that I'm not really that cool or pretty. Most people were probably self-centered teenagers too, but I still regret it. I also wish I had been more thoughtful towards other people; instead, I did things like get defensive and tease my sister because I assumed that she was going to disagree with me, and I'd always subconsciously felt a need to compete with her for people's attention and love because I was insecure. I'm just tired of worrying about myself and thinking about how my selfishness has impacted others through the years.
I'm not sure what to feel about the lost friendships. People moving away, graduating, getting married... Life brings necessary changes, but part of me does mourn the fact that I won't be able to continue some of the close friendships I've had. Always being able to call Person A to go hiking, going dancing with Person B every weekend, having late-night conversations with Person C, planning to stay friends with Person X even after we broke up, always being able to confide in Person Y, chatting with Person Z who I always admired but didn't get to know very well when I had the chance, etc. I should be able to look back on the time I had with each of these people and cherish it for what it was instead of crying because things have changed and I don't have it anymore.
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I had to stop writing this post last night because my husband (who I was going to pick up from school) got a call from one of our old friends who needed his car jumped. God is surely a God of miracles. He knows exactly what we need and when to give it. My friend probably didn't think that his battery dying was a miracle, but it was a perfect opportunity for me to get outside myself and to reconnect with a friend who hadn't entirely forgotten me. After we got home, we went to visit someone from church to arrange a longer visit later, and I felt like she was just as interested in talking to me as she was to my husband (he's her home teacher), and that felt really special. I've had a hard time because I want to make friends in our new ward but I've been too shy to make it happen, even though we've been there for almost ten months; I'm used to having a posse of several close friends around all the time, but that hasn't been the case since I got married. Z and I were on our way to run an errand later in the evening, and ran into another good friend and got to chat and share some great laughs. I'm glad that Heavenly Father was looking out for me and cared enough to help me feel better. Even though I knew that my anxiety and sadness last night would be short-lived, it still hurt deeply, and God thought it was worth saving me from. Hopefully this experience can help jump-start my heart in being more faithful and devoted to the God who wants to show me that He loves me. I'm grateful that He did last night.
