Thirty Days of Thanksgiving: Day 3

I'm grateful that Z and I don't need to worry about going hungry and that our cupboards are full.

Thirty Days of Thanksgiving: Day 2

I'm grateful for my husband. I wanted to save this for our "x-month-iversary," but today I'm especially grateful for how consistently supportive he is. I never thought I would end up with someone who believes in me more than I believe in myself, and who loves me and makes me feel like a princess every day. He respects me, works alongside me, washes almost all the dishes, comforts me, and laughs with me. Z is more than I could have hoped for in a husband, and will certainly help me get the places I want to go. I'm grateful for our life together, and for the indescribable blessing it is to be his wife.

Thirty Days of Thanksgiving: Day 1

One of my old roommates is doing a "30 Days of Thanksgiving" series on her blog for the month of November, and I thought it was a great idea! Here is today's entry:

Today, I'm grateful that my brother got home from his mission safely, and I'm grateful that I have such an awesome family. I can't wait to be with them at Christmas! Even though we're growing older and spreading out across the country, we're still finding ways to be close to each other. And this is true of my in-laws as well as my born-into family.

This Blog's Purpose

There are a couple reasons I haven't written much for this blog lately. The first and most obvious one is that life has kept me fairly busy for the last few months (it's great, I'm finally learning how to use my time effectively, but it means I have less time on here). The second and more subtle reason is that I've failed at the very thing I started this blog for - focusing on the good things in my life and sharing the happiness with others.

I think it's been simmering under the surface for a while, but here are some of my symptoms:
- A recurring focus on disappointments
- Comparing myself to others, in that I think they're fine and their faults are fixable, while mine somehow aren't
- Doubting God's ability or willingness to forgive me and heal me
- Generally doubting my ability to do anything significant or meaningful individually
- Generally doubting my ability to make a difference in other people's lives
- Being afraid of going outside my "bubble" and doing new things or interacting with other people

My husband, Z, loves watching TEDtalks, and I've listened to a few with him. One that we listened to last week that I thought was super interesting talked about a "happiness hierarchy," if you will. The speaker broke down happiness into three types: pleasure-happiness, get-lost-in-your-work-happiness, and my-life-has-meaning-happiness. The curious part of it was that pleasure-happiness (the more fleeting happiness, like from savoring a chocolate-glazed doughnut) only makes a difference in overall happiness when it's in combination with the other two; by itself, it can't sustain a person. So when you feel hollow and depressed about life, the solution isn't more of those amazing doughnuts, the solution (when you have normally-functioning brain chemicals and chemical receptors) is to become more involved in things outside of yourself.

Thankfully, I'm coming out on the upside of this experience. Slowly, one tiny experience at a time, I'm getting better. A cozy, uplifting conversation with my husband. Sincerity in praying for someone else. Expressing genuine gratitude in prayer. Feeling accomplished after cooking a creative dinner. Getting a good night's sleep. Feeling appreciated by someone at work. Talking with someone who is happy to see me. Focusing on the positivity of these brief, scattered moments is rebuilding my patience with myself and my relationship with my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. Frustrating things still happen, but as I dwell on them less and return my thoughts to at least midline, life is getting better. I'm feeling happier and more confident. The Atonement of Jesus Christ makes it possible for us to try again - because of Christ's love, I can have hope. The possibility is always there - Christ is always willing to receive me - but I have to choose it. I'll never be happy until I'm willing to work for it and adjust my attitudes; I need to be the one to "make happy" in my life.

Here is the TEDtalk, via YouTube. Martin Seligman, "The New Era of Positive Psychology."

Fall Update

Hopefully this won't be my only update this fall, but Fall semester has started! It's certainly a new start in many ways. The end of my undergrad schoolwork is nearly in sight, living farther from campus means I'm packing lunches and spending most of the day there, and being married is certainly different from being single. The fun parts for me are wifely duties - working on thriftiness, frugality and sustainability, and developing my relationship with my husband.

I'm having so much fun in the kitchen, it's ridiculous. I have noble aspirations for other housekeeping things like cleaning and organizing, but I get frustrated or overwhelmed by those more easily. Z and I have been extremely blessed to have generous family members and access to farmer's markets and the excess harvest from neighborhood gardens, so we've had a wonderful abundance of fresh fruits and veggies lately. Some we have to use quickly and others we're freezing to use when veggies get more expensive at the store. Either way, a lot of it is food that I haven't cooked with much before (and often I don't have all the ingredients that various recipes suggest), so there's lots of room for creativity. One recipe I quickly fell in love with was for zucchini muffins. Pinterest - the online clipboard website - has been a great tool for me when cooking. I can collect recipe ideas, link to helpful sites, and find graphics to learn what food is in season when or what substitutes I can use in baking. We bought a bread maker at a garage sale and I've been playing with that as well (I would love to switch to homemade bread, if the loaves would last longer than 2 days before they're gone!).

Getting to know my spouse better has been the happiest thing in my life. I value his happiness, which means that I need to take care of myself, and that I need to actively love him. Love really is a verb, not just a sentiment or feeling. He is better inspiration and motivation than anything I had before. We have so much fun together, and together, our lives feel more meaningful. I could go on, but being married to Z certainly is changing my life for the better.

Bottom line is that God is certainly working with us and blessing our marriage. Life is pretty awesome right now.

I'm Married!

The reason I haven't posted in over a month is because I went off and got married. I thought I'd share some of the things I've pondered and learned in the meantime.

- FAMILY is EVERYTHING.

- On one hand, being legally and religiously bound to each other and spending all of our time together growing even closer than before feels perfectly natural. On the other hand, introducing each other as "husband" and "wife" sure takes some getting used to!

- Z and I have talked about how being married has changed our relationship. There's the added security that even if one of us screws up and is a jerk sometimes, we'll never leave each other. We're able to love each other in new, fulfilling ways that bring new opportunities for problem-solving together and enjoying one-ness together. We're even more of a team than we were before.

- Being with my immediate family before the wedding was also interesting. I love them to death, and that's never, ever going to change, but my relationship with them is evolving. My family members felt that too, and dealt with it in a variety of ways. My youngest sister hung out with Z and I most of the time, which I'm super grateful for; I think it was really good for both of them to deal with the adjustment and to become more integrated into the family. My brothers don't talk much about feelings, but they seemed pretty chill. My other sisters talked to each other about it, and my parents requested more hugs than I can ever remember them initiating. Z and I spent time with his parents much more frequently, so I think they got a head start on adjusting to a new family member.

- There's been a lot of love associated with the wedding festivities. Z and I feel so grateful to all of our family and friends who came to the ceremony and/or the reception/open house. We're humbled by the outpouring of love and generosity with the cards and gifts from people who couldn't attend but who still wanted to remind us of their love. I feel touched by the effort that went into the planning and execution of the reception, in helping everything look beautiful, run smoothly, and keep people well-fed. I can't wait to get back to our apartment, put our home together from all the gifts we've received, put up some family photos, and eat some of the leftover reception treats.

So, being married is great. I love how much more Z and I can share our lives now, and I'm excited for the increase in our creative potential, for working together to help people and build the lives we want more than we were able to singly. Let the married adventures begin!

How to Love a Fiance (even when it's hard)

This topic requires careful consideration and discussion, but I think the principles involved are helpful for anybody and everybody in their relationships.

Figuring out how to balance regular life with wedding planning has been a struggle for Z and I. I'm more focused on the immediate deadline of the wedding celebrations, and Z is more concerned about our long-term sustainability, which two goals are sometimes at odds with each other (for example, when I take work off frequently to work on wedding details). Meeting both of our goals has been a logistical and emotional challenge in our relationship, and we're making some meaningful, happy progress on it; these are some of the principles that have been led to our success.

Be willing to sacrifice.
Prioritize together.
Respect and love each other's differences.
Be selfless and compassionate of your partner.
Focus on the positive and remember your progress.
Be willing and quick to forgive.
Realize that you will naturally have some friction with everyone you're close to; your relationship depends on how you handle that friction.

Continue reading if you have the energy for a longer-winded how-to expansion of the preceding ideas. :) And feel free to comment if you have any additions to this list or similar experiences!

All of these work together and overlap in their applications. If you are selfless and full of love, individually and in your interactions with each other, the rest will follow. Making sure that you communicate honestly and be patient with each other also makes a significant difference. If you want to be happy and satisfied, do things to make your partner happy. Make sure that they know that you love them even when you disagree with each other; learn to speak their "love language" so that the message gets across. My dad's advice was, "Make sure you agree on the important things; if it's not something important, then it doesn't matter if you disagree." For me, it helps to remember that both Z and I are full-fledged human beings, each with a full and complex history and with nontrivial opinions and desires; if I want my desires to be respected, then I need to offer that same respect to Z (be willing to sacrifice and compromise!). An important lesson that Z learned during his time as an LDS missionary was that there are often many ways to be right (a "my way or the highway" approach most often results in lonely failure and selfishness).

Here's a great quote from LDS President Gordon B. Hinckley in 2003:

I have long felt that the greatest factor in a happy marriage is an anxious concern for the comfort and well-being of one's companion. In most cases selfishness is the leading factor that causes argument, separation, divorce, and broken hearts.

It's a great talk, and he says this in talking about loyalty to your spouse. If you consider it all together - love, loyalty, sacrifice, selflessness - it paints a very doable, happier version of marriage than we often see. So these are my ramblings and thoughts as Z and I work together to build a happy engagement-almost-marriage. Getting close to wedding day! And we're growing closer and more harmonious every day.