No More Mystery

So, that desire I talked about in my last post... I feel like it's safe to be more open about it now. Long story short: after a month of separation, my boyfriend and I are back together. We both learned some things individually during that time that it would have been hard or impossible to learn any other way. And we're both very happy where things are now :)

Case closed, mystery revealed. Now, time for sleep.

Faith, Thoughts, and a Change of Heart

There's been a lot on my mind this week. Actually... a lot of it is just one person, and I'll get to that. But it's changed - what and how I've been thinking - in the last few hours.

I've been thinking a lot about someone this week, due to seeing him again (it had been a while) and hearing a really interesting perspective from a friend. Seeing him reminded me how much I've missed being with him, so spending time together this week has been absolutely lovely.

Tonight I re-read a couple months' worth of entries from my journal to look for a particular thing, but I ended up finding something else that is much more valuable. I mentioned in previous posts how the last month has been a hard one for me emotionally and on a spiritual level. Now that I'm looking back, I can see some correlations between things I hadn't necessarily connected before. It really does testify of what I described in my last post - that Christ is the only sure, stable foundation for happiness. I hadn't "lost my testimony" or anything in the second half of October, but my journal does reveal that during the time when I was struggling spiritually, a lot of other things became "more wobbly". Academics, self-esteem, relationships, general stress levels... At the very root of my problems, I felt like I was grasping at straws for any sign or feeling of God's love for me. I couldn't understand why He would (as my journal relates) "love such a sinner as me? He gives and gives and loves, and I just try and fail." I knew that He did (and does) love me, but didn't see why.

Like I said, I've been turning myself around as I allow Christ to take me by the hand and guide me. I'm really trying to be better, and my heart is being changed. This week I've been fixated on a specific desire that I think is possible (and perhaps probably); it's a good desire, and I think it's perhaps the right one. So, I've been wanting to make it happen as soon as possible... But tonight, I felt a change in my heart: I still have the same desire, but I'm feeling much more capable of being patient for it to come to pass. I would love it if I could find out right now what this other person thinks and if he wants the same things I want, but now may not be a good time. So, I'm relying on the Lord and trusting him rather than trying to do it myself or give into my own worries. I'm taking a leap of faith... As to my desires, "If after you release a butterfly [that you've hypothetically raised], it comes back, then you know it's yours. If it doesn't come back, then it was never yours to begin with." God will make sure it works out.

I'm glad for the change that Christ is working in my heart. Someday, all my weaknesses will be made up. Someday, as I continue to be faithful and try hard, I will be as Christ is. And in the meantime, He loves me and is helping me to do the things that I need to do. I just need to trust Him.

In the name of my beloved Savior, Jesus Christ, amen.

Being Happy... Really

Life is a funny conundrum... Sometimes it seems really complicated, and then when you look at it a different way, it appears as simple as black and white. Sometimes you can say the same thing at two different times, and both are true, but both are different... 

Truth be told, over the last month or two, I've been more easily discouraged by different things. I still have things that make me happy, but it's a different quality of life, and not very fun. Some days I feel awesome, happy and grateful, and other days I feel like a failure at life and wonder why I even try. The happiness I feel during seasons like this is still a positive feeling, but it's not quite what I'm looking for. It's not what I had in mind as I started this blog. So, I apologize for the lapse over the past month or so.

I'm turning myself around though. The transition probably started 2 weeks ago - I think it was the Sunday before Thanksgiving - and it's still going. It was the night I got a priesthood blessing. It's strange and kind of difficult to relate the difference... I still went through many of the same motions before as I am now, but there's a different intent and quality to them. It's changing my mindset. Slowly, as I redirect my focus to trusting in Jesus Christ, I'm regaining the happy quality of life that I experienced before. 

When I make Christ my ultimate source of safety, peace, happiness and comfort, I have a solid foundation for happiness. Then on top of that, I'm able to better and more consistently find enjoyment in other things. I just can't make those "other things" the base because they're simply not enough for a strong foundation. They are bricks to be added on.

So, what is that meaning for me in my life right now? It means that I don't just read the scriptures because I'm supposed to - I'm reading the scriptures to feel the Holy Spirit and to learn. I don't just pray because it's part of the routine and I ought to - I pray for strength, and to bend my will to Heavenly Father's. I need to be interested in other people for more than just politeness' sake - I need to do it because it's Christlike (having charity), and I'm trying to be like Him. It means that I need to endure the end and enjoy the journey, not just suffer through it.

For behold, this is my work and my glory--to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man.

Moses 1:39

...having no joy, for they knew no misery... But behold, all things have been done in the wisdom of him who knoweth all things. Adam fell that man might be; and men are, that they might have joy.

2 Nephi 2:23-25

 And we talk of Christ, we rejoice in Christ, we preach of Christ, we prophesy of Christ, and we write according to our prophecies, that our children may know to what source they may look for a remission of their sins.

2 Nephi 25:26

This is what the Christmas season (and all life, really) comes down to: the "glad tidings of great joy" (Luke 2:10), for "unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given" (Isaiah 9:6) and "he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed" (Isaiah 53:5). Is not this enough reason to rejoice? "All we like sheep have gone astray" (Isaiah 53:6), and because of the gift of our Father's Son, his great atoning sacrifice, we have hope for a new life. That is the gospel of Jesus Christ, and it is joyous. It is the only thing that will bring true, deep, neverending happiness; in this life and after. I testify of this in His name, Jesus Christ, amen.

Giving Thanks

This started out as a much longer post detailing the highlights from my Thanksgiving break. Then I decided I should be more concise, and just list some things I'm grateful for.

- I'm really grateful for my roommates. We're all really good friends, and we tolerate, support, love, and teach each other in turn. Mostly we love each other :) I'm glad that on days when I'm stressed, or times when I'm either excited or disappointed about guys, my roommates will be patient and let me gush for a bit. We all do so much for each other; our apartment is really a haven of love and security.

- Naturally, I'm exceedingly grateful for my family. It's a little harder to stay as close to them when we live so far away, but I love them just as much and appreciate them more than ever. My parents have set a beautiful example for me in how to live my life, make a positive contribution, and reach out to others. My siblings have been wonderful friends and teachers in their own way; I appreciate each one of them for the uniqueness they offer and the privilege I have to call them my family. The same goes to my extended family.

- I'm grateful to be at my current university - I'm grateful for the friendly atmosphere, for the people I've been fortunate to meet, for all the variety in educational opportunities, and the chance it's giving me to grow up and become more of who I want to be. I learn so much more here outside the classroom than in it, and that's no small feat. Being here has been a huge blessing.

- I'm grateful for talents and interests. It's something that's always changing and developing. It's fun to be able to take enjoyment, fulfillment and pride out of being able to do or value something. I think it's cool that Heavenly Father has given each of us different strengths, because then we can uplift each other in different ways, and everyone is benefited by it. If we didn't have things we were better at and things we're not as good at, it would all be a lifeless, boring monotony. For my part, some things I love are dancing, nature, good food, fantastic company, and beauty wherever it is found.

- I'm grateful for Jesus Christ, and our Father in Heaven. Of all the blessings I've been given, this one trumps all, because it makes all the others possible. Through the sacrifice of Jesus Christ, I can see my Heavenly Father again, and I have a hope and a way to live with Him again. Without Christ - His mission and Atonement - all would be fallen and lost. I will forever be indebted to Him for His selfless sacrifice made in love. He gives me blessings every day, and strengthens me when I am weak. When I get down on myself, He whispers to my heart and memory, "I love you. Look up - it's okay. Move forward! I am with you; you aren't alone. We can do it." He never gives up on me, even when I get distracted and falter. I trust Him; His promises are sure.

Paying attention to what you have and giving thanks for it is really important. There's many more things I could list, but they basically come down to these.

My home teachers (a couple guys who are assigned to visit with me at least once a month and assist me when I need help) had this to add about gratitude. Being thankful is good. It's even better to take the talents you've been given (Matthew 25) and multiply them by giving back. How exactly I'm going to do that through my life will be an involved process, but it's one that I'm going to do in order to bring my gratitude full circle (Doctrine and Covenants 42:38; Matthew 25:34-40). Being grateful = being happy.

Commitment

I got to thinking earlier this week about "commitment": what are the levels or degrees, what level am I at, and what does it even mean, particularly in regards to relationships? So I thought I'd do an analysis on here.

When you're "committed" to someone, what are the expectations that go with it? What does it mean to be "committed"? My thoughts are:


A commitment to CONTINUANCE. When you can safely trust someone to be there for you in the future just as much as they are there for you now, you can feel safe investing in them and moving forward. When you are committed to someone, you are promising that for them, and you expect it in return.
A commitment to EXCLUSIVITY/FIDELITY. Increasing the degree of commitment in a relationship acts as a funnel: the more involved you become with someone, the more exclusive your commitment becomes. Think about it - it's true in dating (as your interest and commitment to one person increases, you lose your interest in other possibilities), and it's even a religious truth (when you become more involved in God, there's less room for Satan to cut in). There's an increased expectation for faithfulness to each other as the commitment grows.
A commitment to EACH OTHER. As you truly become committed to someone else, your desires shift from yourself to their self. When you really do love someone, you want them to be happy, even if that means making some personal sacrifices. But those sacrifices don't really matter, because the other person is more important to you. You're invested in who they are - you want the best for them - and they become likewise invested in you. Two become one (Mark 10:8; Doctrine and Covenants 35:2).

That's all I came up with right now... But it's good to think about, both before entering a relationship and evaluating while you're in one. "What promises am I making to this person?" and "Am I reciprocating these promises to them?"

As for where I am, I'm working on building relationships with people. That needs to be my focus right now: making new friends, broadening my horizons, developing charity, and making people feel important. I've found that as I try the latter more, I get a lot of fulfillment out of it. We're all children of God; we're all unique, and we all deserve and need love. If I make my relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ my highest priority, everything else will be added in (the right) time (Matthew 6:33; 3 Nephi 13:33).

When All the Apartment is Still...

What do you do in the wintertime, when most of your roommates have left to visit family, the other remaining roommate is asleep, and all the apartment is still on a snowy evening?

If you're me, you bring the laptop to the kitchen table and turn on your music on shuffle while you empty and reload the dishwasher, then wash the rest of the pots and pans by hand until the sink is clear and the counter mostly bare. Then you might sit yourself down and flicker between facebook, email, doing research for Black Friday, and making plans for the rest of the week. You end up doing a lot of thinking too - the iTunes shuffle feature stirs up quite a few memories to chew on (you can read my older post about that). If you're me and also have the great roommates I do, you would probably combine some of the leftovers they want you to use and make a vaguely-reminiscent-of-lasagne dinner with chicken tortellini, tomato-based sauce and cottage cheese. (If you try that, it turns out pretty decently for mixing leftovers).

And after all that, you're still left to yourself and your thoughts. So, I'm going to silence Taylor Swift and Boys Like Girls for a while (though I do rather like that song, "Two is Better Than One") and read. Then write about my reading.

(The thought briefly crossed my mind to read the book from G. K. Chesterton I borrowed from the library, but I'll save that one for another time.)

In my Book of Mormon reading, I'm at Jacob chapter 7. It's fascinating how these prophets (Lehi, Nephi and Jacob, at this point) had such a firm belief in Jesus Christ - in His mission, in His love, and in His Atonement - so long before Christ was even born. They understood that He was the long-prophesied Messiah, and that the simple (or complex, perhaps) keeping of the law of Moses alone could not save them. Jacob 4:4 and 5 read,

For, for this intent have we written these things, that they may know that we knew of Christ, and we had a hope of his glory many hundred years before his coming; and not only we ourselves had a hope of his glory, but also all the holy prophets which were before us.  

Behold, they believed in Christ and worshiped the Father in his name, and also we worship the Father in his name. And for this intent we keep the law of Moses, it pointing our souls to him; and for this cause it is sanctified unto us for righteousness, even as it was accounted unto Abraham in the wilderness to be obedient unto the commands of God in offering up his son Isaac, which is a similitude of God and his Only Begotten Son. (emphasis added)

This was written between 544 and 421 BC. After some years passed (fast-forward to chapter 7), there was a man named Sherem who started preaching and "labored diligently that he might lead away the hearts of the people", having a "perfect knowledge of the language of the people; wherefore he could use much flattery" and did this "declaring unto the people that there should be no Christ". Way back then there was already opposition to Jesus Christ! Again, long before He was even born. Well, it's written that this guy wanted to talk to Jacob, since Jacob was a pretty big church leader. Sherem's first charge was that Jacob was the one leading people astray from the law of Moses, and argued that you can't tell of things to come. Jacob responded by asking Sherem if he believed the scriptures, to which he responded yes. Jacob then said, "Then ye do not understand them; for they truly testify of Christ. Behold, I say unto you that none of the prophets have written, nor prophesied, save they have spoken concerning this Christ." He added his own testimony to that of the prophets, saying that "it also has been made manifest unto me by the power of the Holy Ghost." Sherem does something really unintelligent right after that. He demands, "Show me a sign by this power of the Holy Ghost, in the which ye know so much." Bad idea. As soon as he says that, Jacob tells him "What am I that I should tempt God to show unto thee a sign" and "nevertheless, not my will be done; but if God shall smite thee, let that be a sign unto thee that he has power, both in heaven and in earth; and also, that Christ shall come." And, guess what happens? God shows Sherem who's in charge, and Sherem is smitten. Before he dies (smitten doesn't always mean instant death), Sherem gathers all the people he had taught before and confesses to them that he was a liar in denying Christ, and that the scriptures really do testify of him. After that, the people turn again to searching the scriptures for themselves, and they gain stronger testimonies of Jesus Christ, which brings peace and the love of God back to the people. And that basically concludes the book of Jacob.

That also concludes this blog post for tonight. I may continue reading on my own, but my eyes are heavy and it's getting late. Time for bed. We'll see what the morning brings: more solitude, more study time, maybe some motivation to do something else entirely (hopefully something productive). 

Confidence and Happiness

It's funny, some of the things you learn as you get older. A lot of them are things you've heard for years but that you don't really get, or learn (by that I mean, integrate) until you experience it for yourself. One of those for me has been making the connection between happiness, confidence, and relating to other people.

I'm sure you're familiar with the angst where you feel like no one likes you (or at least, the person that you want to like you), and you wish you could be like someone else. That someone else seems to have all the confidence, talent, and social graces that you lack. I had those feelings a LOT when I was a teenager, and those have mostly gone away since I've matured a little bit in college. College has been a really eye-opening experience for me, where I've been able to be myself, realize that I am worthwhile, and really blossomed - opening myself up more and seeing the potential that I have. I'm far from perfect (everyone has trials, and none of us are invincible), but that's been a vast improvement in my self perception over time.

One of the things that really came along with that was developing more confidence in myself. The ideas that I can be someone worthwhile and I am different - I am myself - and I have something to offer are so empowering! I didn't believe very good things about myself growing up; I never felt adequate or like I could make a valuable contribution; that there's always someone else better suited for the job, so why should I even try. When I started realizing that (that I can be valuable by being me), and respecting myself more, it went hand-in-hand with changes in how people viewed me. Now, whether those were actual changes or just changes in my perception, I might never know, and it doesn't matter all that much (which came first, the chicken or the egg?). I learned more about myself, and I came to appreciate more about myself.

Confidence is a magnetic thing. And feeling like you, personally, make a valuable contribution is priceless. I can see a stark difference between times when I'm confident and times when I'm discouraged, and the effect it has on my social interactions. Self-doubt and self-confidence both show in your demeanor. When I go into a dance class timidly, not expecting much, withdrawn and with downcast eyes, and confident only of the fact that no one there thinks I'm worth anything, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy where people are less likely to ask me to dance, and while specific people may privately be concerned about if you feel ok, there's not much motivation to spend time with you. On the other hand, if I go into class with an easy smile on my face, a sparkle in my eyes (sorry for the cliche) and meeting people's gaze, and a certain optimistic energy, people are drawn to you. People enjoy happy company; happy people are more fun, and help you to feel better about yourself.

There's a host of benefits to this method of self-image and social interaction. When I go into a room with that energy, I usually have a good time, regardless of any measurable change in outcome, such as "number of partners danced with". And that is one of the keys to happiness - basing it on attitudes rather than results. I'm of the opinion that this attitude can often have a direct impact on these results - I think that expressing confidence and exuding compassion and happiness do increase the number of people attracted to me - but even without those, I still enjoy myself quite well. It's a skill that seems to come and go depending on how I maintain my focus on it, but it's proven true every time.

So, how do you gain confidence? That seems like the crucial question every time. There isn't any magical pill to pop and gain immediate success, but this is what has worked for me... Very importantly, your worth is not based on your successes or accomplishments. Period. Your worth is based in being you: your unique combination of talents, abilities, weaknesses, habits, thoughts and intentions, etc. You have inherent worth as a son or daughter of God; we are so amazing! Our minds, our bodies, our ability to decide for ourselves, our potential to become better! It's all truly a gift, and these are universal. Even if our minds have a couple frustrating weaknesses or habits, even if our bodies are imperfect (and all of them are), we still have them and life is that much richer for it.

Even with this, it can be hard to have confidence in yourself. So, the "magical cure" that will work as often as it is honestly and truly applied is having faith (confidence) in Christ. We are imperfect; we can't do all the good things on our own that we want so desperately to. But He is perfect: perfectly loving, perfectly capable and perfectly willing to do everything to help us. He won't do life for us, but He will be there every step of the way to catch us when we fall and to help us keep moving forward. On my own, I can't do much, but with Him, I can do all that I need to. I have a testimony that God's vision for us and blessings He wants to give us are so much better than what we could dream of for ourselves. His ways are not our ways (Isaiah 55:8-9), and so sometimes we don't see how our present circumstances will lead to our greatest happiness; that is what faith is for. If trials didn't stretch us, we wouldn't grow from them. When we develop the faith to trust our Savior enough to take the first couple steps, He will strengthen us and enable us to do what we need to. We can have confidence that when our own is not enough, Christ will make up the difference, and having that knowledge can give us the peace and confidence to do anything. Even enough confidence to do something like walk into your dance class with a smile :) In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.