I'm slowly learning ;)

I was going to write a post tonight about General Conference weekend and how awesome it was. Then I decided it would be wiser to follow both my boyfriend's example, my parents' counsel, and the proverb cited today in Conference, "Early to bed and early to rise", so instead, I'm going to go get ready for bed :)

I'm getting there! Working on forming good habits one day (or night) at a time!

Getting past the Past (and looking forward)

I think I've finally reached some sense of resolution with my ex-boyfriend. Story is, he broke up with me after we had dated for just over a month earlier this year, and I felt perfectly fine with it; we both thought it was the right thing to do. When we broke up, he said he still wanted to be friends and I thought "That's great! Friends are awesome, and I don't need to worry about negative repercussions since we're parting as friends".... Unfortunately, I was wrong. Apparently, "circumstances changed", and he kept saying things like "I think we need time apart" and "I need time away from you in order to heal"... (How do you re-establish a friendship with someone if you refuse to ever see or talk to them??). What hurt me the worst was when he blocked me on facebook. I cried more over that than when we broke up, because, what can you do about it? I still had his phone number and email, but didn't use them. The only person I have blocked on facebook is a guy I knew in middle school who sent me an incredibly vulgar message soon after I got an fb account. So, I tried to forget and ignore the pain and bitterness bottled up inside. This is how it went for about 5 months. 

About a week or so ago, my ex sent me an email, out of the blue. He said he was sorry that things turned out how they did, and hoped we could still be friends. I called him back, explained some of my perspective and why I felt so hurt, and after a short but fairly comfortable conversation, he said he would remove the facebook block and that we could chat again sometime. It was so relieving, to feel like I could let go of the deeply bitter emotions and look forward to a mature friendship with him! Once again though, now a week later, I found out I was wrong. 
He finally lifted the block yesterday, so I sent him a friend request. Can you imagine my born-anew frustration when, several hours later, I got this facebook message?

I was in a lose-lose situation. If I deny your friend request, you're disappointed, if I accept because of circumstances it is not fair to my girlfriend. In the end I have to choose the to decline. I honestly hardly use facebook anyway. I don't believe that facebook would be the most appropriate form of communication. If you can't understand why then I'm sorry but I hope you can see where I'm coming from. This shouldn't be taken the wrong way. Feelings of friendship towards another should not be determined by their friend list on a online social network.

Again, he was pushing away my attempts at normal reconciliation with immature logic and excuses. I was pretty ticked, and wrote a pretty blistering reply. Yes, it's true that "feelings of friendship towards another should not be determined by their friend list on [an] online social network," but if he doesn't use facebook much, should it matter if we're friends on there? I don't write to specific people very often either, but it's an unobtrusive and effective way to see how people are doing. In my response, I said that (what I just said), I told him the things I would have shared with him if he hadn't been giving me the silent treatment all summer (my brother getting a missionary call to Indonesia, when I had an accident at work and went to the ER, and a couple other things), I told him a little about my new boyfriend, and that I was tired of trying to be his friend when this is all he does back. *Exhale* I'm not a venomous or vengeful person (I could be, but I choose to avoid it, because those are just satanic tendencies), and I did have scruples about sending him something like that, but really? I've given him so many chances. Maybe it's time that he hear this. Who knows? 

Anyway, it's been a roller-coaster of emotions (not just ups and downs, but back-and-forth, sideways, and all over) trying to sort it out. I guess it comes to this: I really am done worrying about the status of my friendship with this guy. I've given him chance after chance and extended invitation after invitation, and now I've said all there is to be said. Trying to block out the memory won't do me any good, because it is part of my past experience; nor do I need to constantly worry about it or rehash the issue. I've done what I could, and now I wash my hands of the matter: there's nothing I more I need to do about it, and those chains need no longer drag me down. I'm letting it go, and looking forward to the future. The pains and the joys of the future will be far greater than whatever I've gone through already, but that makes life all the richer. It will be worth it. 


***And seriously? I'm dating one of the MOST AMAZING guys I've ever known right now. We feel so comfortable with each other and are already good friends (and that friendship forms the base of our relationship). All we're missing is the duration of time in order to sink down deeper roots. He is just what I need; I'm so grateful we met, and that things have come together the way they have. It's beautiful and perfect; I couldn't have dreamed it any better than it is now :) It's just right.

Why is it that Mom is (almost) always right?

I don't know - probably something having to do with having more life experience and the benefit of hindsight, a mother's intuition, and having the right to receive revelation on my behalf (since I'm under her stewardship. I also can and do receive revelation for myself). It's funny how the older I get, the more things I "realize" are a lot of the same things my mom's been trying to tell me for years.

My biggest news item from this weekend is that I started dating a really special guy. He is everything I could ask for. I told him that I was really hesitant about dating anyone exclusively right now, but the more we talked about it, the more right and good it felt. I think the biggest thing that will promote the best results is that we're focusing on building our friendship first, and keeping our priorities in order. That was something I struggled with in my last "relationship". He is really sweet, entirely respectful, and I feel comfortable being myself around him. Whereas before I had seen some guys as people I wanted to impress, my boyfriend now is someone that I don't need to try to impress - he already accepts and appreciates me the way I am. While I haven't had sufficient time to build a deep friendship with him, I'm certain that if we stay on our current track, we will have a great, fulfilling, enriching relationship with each other.

Some other things I realized. Once again, I remembered that sometimes my body just demands 8 hours of sleep, and I need to plan for that. I really need to be more responsible in acting (like my mom says, I need to do more than "know it", I need to "do it") and doing the things that will get me to bed on time earlier. I decided today that it would just be better if I dropped my religion class this semester (the Doctrine and Covenants one) for the sake of academia and physical health, but I'd still like to follow the reading schedule and post responses on here. That means I should probably try to go to the weekly Institute (short for "Institute of Religion") classes, since I'm not taking any other religion class this semester. In the last couple weeks, I was released from being a Sunday School teacher and was asked instead to be the Sacrament meeting coordinator. I'll miss teaching - I really loved it - but I'm looking forward to this new calling (LDS lingo for "job" or "assignment") and making the best out of it that I can. My bishop (same thing as a pastor or reverend) thinks I'll do a good job, and I've been assured that Heavenly Father knows I can do it well too.

Saturday evening was the Relief Society General Broadcast, part of the General Conference for the whole Church. President Thomas S. Monson's talk really stood out to me (I took notes on all the speakers), and he issued the gentle, reminding rebuke, "Judge Not". He quoted from Mother Theresa, that if you judge people, you don't have time to love them. That's something that, honestly, I've struggled with over the years. I've been doing tons better though, and as I thought about it earlier today and reflected a bit on recent events, I think I'm doing pretty good. Not perfect, but I like it. President Monson has another quote that I've come to appreciate more: "Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved." As I've tried to apply that more in my life (in reaching out to others, being less self-centered, and responding when people ask for help) I've definitely been blessed and developed more charity. It's been a cool thing, and I feel a lot more Christlike in the doing. Yay! :)

D&C 78, 82, and 83

This is my response for the third reading assignment in my religion class (yes... after catching up I got behind again). This grouping is under the topic "Consecration: An Inheritance in Zion".

Doctrine and Covenants, section 78
Historical background: This revelation was given in March of 1832, when Joseph Smith was in Ohio. The Saints (shortening for members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints) were moving around a lot trying to find sanctuary, and it was really important for them to support each other, physically, emotionally and spiritually. This instituted the foundations and principles behind tithing and the law of consecration - a system where all of the church members sacrifice according to what they have and in return get the things they lack. The modern-day application is for members to donate "10% of their increase" to the Church (tithing), and in turn, the Church uses the money to build chapels and temples, fund schools and church activities, and run "bishop's storehouses" for families to get food and other staples in times of economic need. 
The first couple verses of this chapter reiterate the message, "When I (God) speak to you through my prophet, you need to listen to him, because he is my authorized mouthpiece, and I'm trying to tell you something for your own good!" Verses 3 and 4 makes me think of D&C 132:8 "Behold, mine house is a house of order, saith the Lord God, and not a house of confusion." I think that is an important God-like characteristic that identifies His Church and that should identify His people (I'm still working on that one...). Those verses also note that helping the poor is part of "the cause... to the salvation of man, and to the glory of your Father who is in heaven." I don't understand very well the connection is verses 5 and 6 between equality is earthly things and equality in heavenly things. 

I do understand though, verse 7: "For if you will that I give unto a place in the celestial world, you must prepare yourselves by doing the things which I have commanded you and required of you." In fact, I think it's so important that I'm giving it its own separate paragraph (I am aware that this is technically the formatting for quotes). A lot of people complain about all the rules in the Mormon (LDS) church. But see, this scripture is the key to understanding why it's important to follow these rules (besides the very good reason that "God said so"): these commandments and requirements prepare us for the celestial world, which is where we want to be. God's giving us the recipe for becoming like He is! (see Matthew 5:48) If we learn to not only love our friends, but to love even our enemies, that helps us to be more like God because God loves all of us, His children, even when we make mistakes and do stupid things. I was going to give another example, but all of the commandments come back to loving God and loving each other (Matthew 22:37-40). So, commandments aren't given in order to be restrictive or exercise authority over others - they are given because they will show us the way to live that will bring us closer to God (we will be able to live with God after death, we will feel His presence through the Holy Ghost in this life, and we will become more like He is). Celestial glory is the best there is, and like a father, that's what God wants for us, so He shows us how to get there. 

Verses 8 through 12 discuss how Joseph Smith and others entered into a covenant, or a contract with each other and with God to impart everything they had to the church and to receive again according to their needs (the law of consecration). Living by this covenant helps us to prepare for heaven by fostering obedience to God (humility is another characteristic of Jesus Christ, who is obedient to the Father in all things), charity among people (being willing to share what you have and give to those who don't have what they need) and temperance (being happy with what you have, instead of always wanting extra - even if you can afford it, do you really need to own four cars if you live in a two-person family?). I think that in verse 13, the "preparation" is the covenant, which is "whereby you may accomplish the commandments which are given you". When you make a covenant or promise with God, it's a bidirectional deal: when you do your part, God promises blessings in return. Added strength and ability to keep the commandments seems to be a common blessing from such covenants. So when we make a covenant with God, we are under greater condemnation when we don't follow the commandments, because it would be breaking our promise, but God also helps us to keep the commandments for our sake. Verse 14 also tells us something of the mind of the Lord - an "ulterior motive" in getting the Saints to take care of each other's welfare is so that they can relieve themselves from debt and "stand independent". Anyone who has been in bondage - whether debt, addictions, stubborn habits, etc - knows that you lose some of your freedom in the doing; for me, I frequently incur sleep debt from staying up too late, which makes it hard for me to get other things done that I need to because my body insists on getting paid back in hours of sleep. Is it any wonder that God would have us be a free people and not be enslaved to gambling debts, more-expensive-than-necessary car debt, facebook addictions, physical/bodily addictions like smoking, and other such vices? I like verses 17 through 22. As it says in verse 17, we really are like little children, because we don't understand everything that God understands. In 1833, some people thought tobacco was kind of gross and messy, but no one thought it could kill you; God, on the other hand, made our bodies, and that's when Joseph Smith received the revelation called "the Word of Wisdom" (D&C 89) with a health code for the church. It wasn't until many years later, in the 20th century that physicians realized that smoking leads to cancer. Haha, this reminds me of something my mother says all the time: "I'm smarter than you think I am!" We don't always understand the reasons why God gives us commandments, but that's why we need to get to know Him, realize we can trust Him, and be obedient even when we can't see the end result. In fact, in verse 18 God reassures us that "Ye cannot bear all things now; nevertheless, be of good cheer, for I will lead you along." When we do what God asks us to do, good things happen :) He will take care of us, and He will bless us.

Doctrine and Covenants, section 82
Historical background: In April of 1832, Joseph Smith was in Missouri. The section heading says that the occasion was a general assembly where Joseph Smith was sustained (aka: ratified by the congregation) as President of the Church. That chain of succession (with each President of the Church being sustained) has continued since, and Thomas S. Monson is currently the President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.
The first seven verses of this chapter are concerning the effects of sin and forgiveness. Verse one reminds us that we must forgive each other if we expect to receive forgiveness from God. Because we are all mortal, we all sin (verse 2), and thus we are all required to repent if we want to be clean. Verse 3 is very important to realize, and supports the statement that God's judgments are just - "For unto whom much is given much is required; and he who sins against the greater light shall receive the greater condemnation." (Hence why sons of perdition, as I discussed in my response to D&C 76, are in such big trouble. To paraphrase someone else, it's as though they look into the noonday sun and say that it's nighttime; they have a sure witness and reject it). If you know more or are more aware of the consequences of your actions, you're in bigger trouble when you break the rules. Ouch, verse 4 just struck me in a new way that calls me to repentance: "Ye call upon my name for revelations, and I give them unto you; and inasmuch as ye keep not my sayings, which I give unto you, ye become transgressors." I've had many years to study the gospel and come unto Christ, and many times that I have received inspiration through leaders, priesthood blessings, reading the scriptures, prayer, etc; I believe this is a rebuke that is very closely related to the preceding verse (v. 3), wherein I have asked for revelations and received inspiration, but have I acted on it as I should? Today's lesson in Sunday School was also related to this, in that we have a modern prophet who speaks for the Lord today - do I know what he has said most recently? Have I made it a part of my life? Sadly, the answer is 'no', I haven't been as diligent as I should. I am accountable for the "light and truth" that I've received, to act on it and make it a part of my life. There's a lot I can improve on there. The great promise in verse 7 though is the promise of forgiveness after sincere repentance: "And now, verily I say unto you, I, the Lord, will not lay any sin to your charge; go your ways and sin no more; but unto that soul who sinneth shall the former sins return, saith the Lord your God." When we truly repent, God forgives us of our sins and our slate is washed clean. If we don't truly repent, and we return again to our sins, we aren't promised that cleansing (because we just muddied ourselves again). Verse 10 is also a very important scripture to understanding how God works. It reads, "I, the Lord, am bound when ye do what I say; but when ye do not what I say, ye have no promise." God makes agreements with us: if you follow this commandment, you'll get this blessing, and the promise stands. God is perfectly just and fair, and perfectly loving; He is never responsible for a broken covenant. He does everything He can to help us, and we're the ones who often fail Him when He wants to give us a blessing. When we put our faith, trust and obedience in Him, we will receive the promised blessing. Verse 11 through the end of the chapter is specific instruction to Joseph Smith and other church leaders at the time to enter into a covenant with each other "to manage the affairs of the poor" (v. 12) and to give to "every man according to his wants and his needs, inasmuch as his wants are just" (v. 17). When God gives us commandments, He helps us obey them. The Lord says, "here is wisdom also in me for your good... And all this for the benefit of the church of the living God, that every man may improve upon his talent, that every man may gain other talents... to be cast into the Lord's storehouse, to become the common property of the whole church--Every man seeking the interest of his neighbor, and doing all things with an eye single to the glory of God" (verses 16, 18-19). Under this system of the Lord's, everyone surrenders their everything to the Lord, and in turn receives both what they need and what they want. It helps us to become less attached to earthly possessions and keep Christ as our first priority, as well as develop the love that comes from and perpetuates sharing with our neighbors (and, as Christ said in the parable of the Good Samaritan, everyone is our neighbor). The chapter is finished with promises of peace, blessings, and "the kingdom", conditional on our steadfastness (verses 23-24).

Doctrine and Covenants, section 83
Historical background: This revelation was also received by Joseph Smith in Missouri, shortly after the previous one in section 82. It deals with responsibility and accountability for the welfare of families.
In the six verses of the chapter, it basically comes to this: "Women have claims on their husbands for their  maintenance" (verse 2) and "all children have claim upon their parents for their maintenance until they are of age" (verse 4). Parents together are responsible to care for and provide for their children, and if they don't have the assets, they can lean on the church for aid. That's the idea behind the "bishop's storehouse", to provide for families and individuals when they are unable to care for themselves. Nowadays, the storehouses are also centers where families can get help and training to find a job in addition to groceries and other needs in times of duress. If my thoughts are correct, I think that when they are financially stable again, it's expected that they'll give back in some way (monetarily or in volunteer hours) so that the system can go on to help others.

I'm slowly trying to catch up, in this and other homework!

"I don't have to do it alone"

Today was interesting. My day started out a bit negatively when I realized that I woke up when my first class was starting (goes to show what happens when I try staying up late in order to get the homework done...). It ended up being a busy but lovely day, including a 30-ish minute walk to the grocery store in the late afternoon, when it was warm and the sun appeared to sparkle through the leaves of the trees I strolled past. There's a lot I want to get done this week, and plans to coordinate, etc, but it was nice to take some time to go for a walk, be (mostly) alone with my thoughts, and enjoy the day. I love the blue, blue sky of the American West.

This evening, I had fun with some of my girl friends swapping stories around bowls of ice cream and m&m's. I then got a text from another friend; as he and I continued to text each other, I grew increasingly worried. I care a lot about my friends, so it wasn't hard for me to choose to leave the party and check on him in person. I felt urgent, and prayed with all my heart on the way over that God could help me to help him. After I arrived, I probably spent about a half hour walking around the block with him, just conversing about what was going on, and why he was having a hard time. Based on the particular problems he was going through, I couldn't give him any solutions or magic answers; I hadn't really expected to be able to do that. All I can do is be there for him as much as I can. I reminded him of his divine worth as a son of God, and that God loves him, and will help him, and won't forget about him. Saying it once won't be enough, and I see it as a test of my friendship to be diligent in acting on the love I have for him, in doing the best I can to support him, and in making it more than just nice words. That can be hard to do, when it feels like all your care for someone and desires to help don't make a difference, but that's why I'm relying on the Holy Spirit to guide me and faith to see me through when I can't see the end from where I stand.

When I got home, I decided it was time for me to head back to my bedroom and end most of my socializing for the night. I'm trying to maintain a healthy balance of helping my friend by giving him both the support and the space he needs, and taking care of my own emotional needs. As my roommate climbed into bed and I was on the computer, she started to confess something that was weighing heavily on her heart and mind. I felt like a broken record for the night when I said, "Heavenly Father is looking out for you, and will take care of you. He'll help you through every trial". I didn't know what else I could offer her to help, besides advising her to sleep now and worry about it tomorrow when she has more perspective. The sensed inability to help either of my friends in their pain weighed on my own heart, and I wondered, "How can I help them? I'm not strong enough to lift their burdens for them. I can't even make my problems go away" I turned on some soft Relient K music ("Getting Into You", "Up and Up (acoustic)", and "You'll Always Be My Best Friend") in an attempt to subtly comfort my roommate and calm myself. The answer to my prayer came shortly as a simple, inspired thought to my mind - "I don't have to do it alone." I don't have responsibility for my friends equivalent to that of a parent or ecclesiastical leader, but it is my responsibility as a Christian to "comfort those that stand in need of comfort" (Mosiah 18:8-10; 1 Thessalonians 5:11) and do what I can to help. I am still just a human though; it is impossible for me to even carry my own weight at times, much less be of use to others. God most often works through other people though, because the person in need is served, and the giver is equally blessed and strengthened. When I'm not strong enough, God will help me. When I am strong, I need to do what I can to help others. And since it is something that God has commanded, He will help us. "I don't have to do it alone. I have God on my side, and all things are possible through Him that He requires." I'm so glad that my Heavenly Father loves me and helps me, and that my Savior Jesus Christ made the sacrifice that He did in order to help and rescue me. The same is true for all of us, and true for you. God loves you, is ever mindful of you, and will do everything He can (and He can do everything) to guide you to happiness.

Looking Ahead in Dance

So, one of the more recent late nights I had was spent doing research on costumes for the upcoming dance competition in November. These are some of the costumes I found whose styles I liked (as far as colors go, I like the blue of the first one; style-wise, the third is probably my favorite):



















http://stardanceshop.com/850226.html




















http://stardanceshop.com/850014.html
























http://stardanceshop.com/850023.html

I'm probably going to rent my first couple costumes, so I can try out colors and styles without committing to one dress (because of the price, buying one is going to be a rather permanent investment). I'm hoping to go to a local dance shop this week to check out costume rentals (a place suggested by my teacher). When I buy a dress, it'll probably be from this online store (Star Dance), since they have such great discounts.

Things that make me happy

Some things that made me really happy in the past week:

-Honey Nut Chex may have just became my favorite cereal/snack food. Lightly sweet, and delicious

-New dance shoes (standard pumps) that fit!

-Buying a standard dance skirt: black, ankle-length that SPINS out so beautifully!

-Chilean-style hot dogs: bun, hot dog, tomato, avocado/guacamole, mayo. Sooo good!!

-Going salsa dancing with my roommate and seeing my work friends

-Celebrating the Bicentenial de Mexico! (and practically the rest of Latin America)

-Taking pictures of the temple at twilight

-Seeing one of my best friends at work

-Spending time with extended family at a wedding reception

-Playing with babies!

-Arriving late to class and discovering that there's a fire drill

-People (guys especially) that I don't know very well who say hi and try to get to know me better

-Rocking out to techno with the car windows rolled down

-Birthday parties

-Realizing that my roommates are really more like family. Honestly, truly, no exaggerating.

-Feeling confident in dance class (granted, it's a class I'm retaking to work on technique, so I already learned the routine... but it still feels awesome!)

-Girl talk :)

-Key-lime-pie flavored yogurt

-Singing loud and strong with a group in the tunnel, or out with my friends

-Getting through hard things. It stinks at the time, when it hurts and you just want it to stop, but when it's over and past, it's really nice to not have the stress, and add it to your personal list of things you've overcome

There's a lot of things that make me happy. I have a list of summer-specific things on facebook, but I may just post lists like this sometimes, that aren't comprehensive, but just a look at my week or something. Life is pretty great when you notice and acknowledge the small moments and little details. You don't need a picture-perfect day every day of your life in order to be happy - you just have to see what's already there.