Self-Control: Why does it matter?

My biggest problem with school isn't that the work is too hard, or that I don't have enough time to do it: the problem is that I'm still working on self-discipline to do boring things like homework.

How does that relate to this blog or the gospel of Jesus Christ? Let me explain some thoughts I had.

...and see that ye bridle all your passions, that ye may be filled with love; 

                                                                 Alma 38:12

This scripture from the Book of Mormon is usually quoted with reference to lustful passions because of the context (Alma was preaching to his son, who had committed sexual transgressions). When I was younger, I thought that "bridle all your passions" meant to cut them off, and to not be carried away by passions. But then someone corrected me with the illustration of a riding a horse. A horse's bridle doesn't stop it from walking - it's used to control the horse's movement. Thus, we are commanded to be in control of our passions, not to kill them.

We are creatures of many passions: love, anger, physical attraction, desires for good things, etc. As we gain and maintain self-mastery over our passions, we will refine ourselves and be filled with the best ones.

The Biblical story of Amnon and Tamar is an example of how lacking self-control is destructive. In the first half of 2 Samuel 13, we learn how Amnon loved Tamar, and when he didn't control his feelings, he ended up hating her. Instead of exercising restraint (Tamar tells Amnon to talk to their father, and urges him to wait for the right circumstances - marriage), Amnon forces her into premarital sex. This is the result:

Then Amnon hated her exceedingly; so that the hatred wherewith he hated her was greater than the love wherewith he had loved her. (verse 15)

There was a study done (released in Dec 2010) which revealed that couples who delayed sex until marriage had benefits such as increased relationship stability, relationship satisfaction, communication, and, surprisingly, increased quality of their sexual relationship. It takes self-control to wait that long for something you both want, and I think you can say that by bridling their passions, these couples were "filled with love," like the scripture in Alma says.

Consider a more common example. Say you're a parent, and your young son or daughter just wrecked something important that you had repeatedly told them to stay away from. My initial reaction would be dismay and anger. Why didn't they listen? Now it's ruined. What do you do now? You might get angry and lash out, saying something hurtful, or spanking your child. Or you can hold your tongue until you regain composure and a little perspective; yes, your project was important, but is it more important than your son or daughter? Getting angry would vent your negative feelings in the moment, but it could cost a loving, secure relationship with your child. On the other hand, calmly explaining what happened and the consequences would teach them to be accountable, and reassuring them that you still love them teaches them that their self-worth isn't dependent on how much they mess up. The best response may be obvious now, but what makes the difference between the two paths? It's the split-second decision you make - to allow your angry feelings to govern your actions, or to retain self-control and manage your emotions in a healthful way. 

I can't tell you exactly how it works that restraint of our passions allows us to be filled with more. But I know that like other paradoxes in the gospel, it does work.

Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God. He that loveth not knoweth not God; for God is love.

                                                                  1 John 4:7-8 

This is a great chapter in the New Testament about love. God loves us, His children, and that's His motivation for all that He does. If we want to become like Jesus Christ, then unconditional love is an attribute we need to strive to develop. Charity is the pure love of Christ, the "greatest of all" gifts or attributes, and we receive it as we work on our self control and do the things that cultivate love.

I know that as I've worked on self-mastery, it's helped me to become more Christ-like: patient, full of love, temperate, enduring, and less self-centered. We can draw closer to God and become happier people by living these principles of self-control in everything we do :)

"You don't know everything, but you know enough!"

Lds.org is a website with wonderful resources. It is the parent site of mormon.org: mormon.org is geared towards people who are being introduced to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, and lds.org is the website that church members use to access teaching manuals, archived talks, and other resources for personal, family, and church use.

Since lds.org was most recently given a facelift, there has been a slideshow on the homepage with different featured articles, links and videos. Usually it's things I've seen or heard before, but once in a while I decide to follow the link. Today was one of those days.

I followed the link to a talk by Elder Neil L. Andersen titled, "You Know Enough", and read through it while listening to the audio recording (the audio and text differ slightly; it took just under 10 minutes once the audio loaded). It was just what I need right now. I might not have enough faith to move mountains or part the Red Sea, but I have enough knowledge and faith to move forward and trust Jesus Christ when I can't see.

Life is hard, and that's the way it was meant to be, because hard things help us to grow and refine ourselves. Carbon is a common atom on earth. Under different conditions and various degrees of pressure, it can either become coal (a fossil fuel), graphite (pencil lead) or diamond (the really hard, shiny, expensive stuff). The way we make sure to become diamonds under pressure instead of just squished carbon atoms is to make Jesus Christ our strength. He is our perfect, never-ceasing source of strength and will support us to the very degree that we need help, making us "enough" for our trials and challenges. I know that I can't do it on my own; I'm weak, I get scared, I get angry, I get sad, I make mistakes. And that's why our merciful and loving Heavenly Father provided a way for us to overcome our weaknesses and move on, ever becoming more like Him as we progress and grow. That way is using the Atonement of His Son, Jesus Christ.

Here's some scriptural evidences that show how Christ takes us as we are and helps us become stronger: Ether 12:27 (in the Book of Mormon), 2 Corinthians 12:9 (Bible), Moroni 10:32 (another from the Book of Mormon). Here's a link to a scripture search engine on lds.org if you want to look for more scriptures about grace (for this post I used the key words "grace is sufficient").

On My Honor

There's been a lot of stir in the news lately about BYU dismissing Brandon Davies, one of their best players, at the height of their basketball season. Why was he dismissed? Because he violated the school's honor code by having premarital sex.

The opinions I've read have been mixed. Some seem incredulous that college students are asked to follow such a stringent, "unrealistic" code (ESPN article and video). Many are very respectful that BYU places preeminence for its honor code over a chance at a national championship (LA Times article here). Either way, a lot of people are just saying, "Wow."

Here's my opinion :) I don't exactly see eye-to-eye with Mike Smith - one of the quoted sources in the LA Times article - on some of his statements. But I do agree that I am proud of BYU for acting on its priorities.

As far as living a chaste life goes, that's not something I struggle with. Everyone has their own strengths and weaknesses, but all students and staff at BYU read and understand the Honor Code and agree to live by it if they want to pursue education and/or employment there. And really, it's not that unusual or hard. Some of these articles make it sound like the code is a set of strict rules unfairly imposed on students who are trying to be human and have their college experience. But for most of the students at BYU, that very code has been a lifestyle long before they came to BYU. It's part of who they are, and signing the contract serves as a reminder of accountability, not a newsflash after reading the fine print.

Why bother with an Honor Code? I can testify that the environment at BYU is almost inexplicably unique. Never have I seen such general friendliness: people will meet your eyes and sometimes smile when you walk down the street; people from class or your student ward will often say hello and make small talk when they run into you; people are genuinely interested in who you are and in your well-being. People are there because they want to excel in life and to learn. Compared to other students I've met, BYU students generally hold themselves to a higher standard personally, morally, and in their work ethic - they don't give up when times get hard. The type of people who voluntarily come to BYU are those who embrace the Honor Code.

You can list a lot of reasons for following this Honor Code: I can get in trouble for breaking it; it encourages me to be a better person; it leads to a safe and healthful environment; I do it because I'm told to. For me, it's not a choice I have a hard time making. All of the above reasons are true. More than these (or summing all of them), I do it because I want to. It's who I am, and leads me to who I want to be.

Relating back to the purpose of this blog, living the principles found in the BYU Honor Code opens my life to greater happiness. When I am honest, chaste, obedient to the law, use clean and uplifting language, respect others, take care of my body, go to church, dress modestly, and support others in doing the same, life is much simpler and I avoid a lot of worry-inducing things. It doesn't weaken me, it strengthens me. When I spend less time worrying, I can spend more time learning, improving myself, and serving others; all these things improve my relationship with Jesus Christ and my Heavenly Father. These things lead me to be happy, and that's what we're here for: to learn to be happy, and to share that gift with others :)

Thoughts on Becoming a Grown-Up

I'm getting there eventually :P Some days it seems that I'm growing faster than others. As demonstrated in the last post, I like indulging in childish whims once in a while, because honestly, a blanket fort is awesome :)

What are signs of "growing up"? I think part of it is figuring yourself out - deciding what your truest desires are, what you're willing to work for, and what your personal standards are. Another important part is accepting greater responsibility and accountability (when you look at it, irresponsible adults aren't considered very grown-up). I think responsibility really comes down to thoughtful, considerate use of resources and accepting the consequences of your decisions. Responsibility acts as a steadying counterweight to childish whims and immature decision-making.

I've been thinking a lot lately, and it makes me feel old :) I've always tried to be responsible, with varying degrees of success. On my mind tonight is working out finances and planning for the future. Should I add a second minor? How long until I graduate? What do I do after graduation? I've got some rough answers for the moment, and it's not essential that I have it all figured out soon. I'll probably go to bed early tonight and focus on what I can do with today. Jesus Christ is always there to help me, so I can have faith, give it to Him, and relax.

College Craziness

My roommates and I made this in our living room (and part of the kitchen) a month or so ago, with a couple friends helping. It was pretty ridiculous and definitely epic :)

Yes. We are college students, and we turned out living room into a massive blanket fort :D Our kitchen table is hiding in there somewhere too, underneath a couple kitchen chairs... We had to take it down a few days later when some of the roommates wanted a place to eat again. Fun times.

Happiness: More Than Just A Feeling

For a long time, I was used to the idea of happiness coming and going, being dependent on my circumstances and emotional state. Then at one point in college (sometime in the first two years), I realized that the current bout of happiness I was on was lasting longer than normal, and was pleasantly puzzled. I wasn't sure what had made the difference.

     [The funny thing is that months later, when I was thinking about it, I tried to remember that time I was so happy. And I couldn't figure it out... My first semester was kinda stressful with making new friends, during my second semester I had a complicated situation with a boy I was falling in love with, that first summer was stressful with few friends remaining in the city... I couldn't figure out when that happiness was based on the events in my life at the time.]


I have a couple theories to account for the lasting happiness I felt. For one, life brings sorrow in one hand and joy in the other - they come together, and as you get older, you develop an increased capacity for both through experience. Coming to college opened up lots of opportunities for me to grow: I had newfound fears and sadness, and I had greater feelings of belonging and love. The other theory is that I was starting to learn that happiness is a way of life, not just a passing emotion. Because of that, I know I can be happy ALL THE TIME, not just in rosy situations. 

So what makes this way of life? And how do I make it an essential part of who I am? I've felt resurgences of this satisfaction and simply being a happy person occasionally, and I'm trying to pay attention to what sets those periods apart. I think that WORK and FAITH are the two basics that it comes down to. 


    - On the days that I skip/miss class, I get behind in the work (leading to feelings of inadequacy) and feel like a human vegetable (lacking depth or purpose). Both of the resulting feelings are very discouraging and contribute to a downward spiral of lacking self-worth, which leads to other destructive habits and mindsets. When I work - putting my mind to a task and accomplishing it - I feel like I'm being productive and making a small difference in the world. I feel my self-worth and confidence increase, and I'm motivated to go out and do more. 


     - Spiritually, I can go two directions: I can be fearful, worrisome, obsessive, and a control freak, or I can be faithful, trusting, confident, and meek. When I choose to let go of my worries, and trust that Heavenly Father knows better than I do, I feel much more at peace, and I can move on with my life with the confidence that as I listen to the Holy Ghost, everything will be alright! It's really a liberating feeling. It's really difficult to be happy if you're preoccupied with worries and fears, so exercising faith by giving those to Christ increases my capacity for happiness. 

When I work hard and have faith in Jesus Christ, that gives me a solid foundation. I become more worthy to have the companionship of the Holy Ghost, which gives me good feelings and leads me to do more good things. God wants all of His children to be happy, now as well as in eternity. The things that He asks us to do are the things that will help us to be happy, so why not listen? :) God is on our side! I testify that being obedient to God is the only way to be happy, and that when we truly humble ourselves before Him, He will raise us up. These are principles that will enable us to be happy all the time, inasmuch as we live them.

Mirrors

Mirrors are a funny thing sometimes. There are frequent analogies, sayings and myths about what you find by looking in a mirror, but I want to discuss a particular point that could go both ways.

Some might argue that the invention of the mirror was the beginning of vanity: if you can see yourself, you wonder how others see you, and whether they approve. The Greek myth of Narcissus tells of a young man (Narcissus) who was known for his good looks and arrogance, who was divinely punished to fall in love with his own reflection, and so he did, and pined away until death. Vanity can be just as consuming in our time. If you're always worrying about how you look, you'll miss out on the chances of simply "being you." Because of this possibility, mirrors could be seen as selfish devices, evil and worthy of shunning.

On the other hand, the same ability of a mirror - to reflect oneself - could be as critical to human development as to human destruction. Without self-examination, how can we ever make progress? Just as a gardener may know the most aesthetically desirable places to trim a tree by studying it, we may learn what areas we need to improve in by seeing ourselves as we are now. There are many kinds of mirrors - introspective and external - to look at different parts of our lives and find opportunities for correction (and this is where many analogies come into play, whether we're looking into a true mirror or a distorted circus mirror).

So the same object, a mirror, can be used for one purpose - self-evaluation - but to different ends. The only difference between those ends is the beholder and what he or she chooses to do with the image. Why do you look into a mirror? Are you focused on fixing how how others perceive you, or are you trying to improve yourself for improvement's sake? Are mirrors the downfall of the human race, or the elevating of it? As with so many things, it's up to you and what you do.