There's been a lot on my mind this week. Actually... a lot of it is just one person, and I'll get to that. But it's changed - what and how I've been thinking - in the last few hours.
I've been thinking a lot about someone this week, due to seeing him again (it had been a while) and hearing a really interesting perspective from a friend. Seeing him reminded me how much I've missed being with him, so spending time together this week has been absolutely lovely.
Tonight I re-read a couple months' worth of entries from my journal to look for a particular thing, but I ended up finding something else that is much more valuable. I mentioned in previous posts how the last month has been a hard one for me emotionally and on a spiritual level. Now that I'm looking back, I can see some correlations between things I hadn't necessarily connected before. It really does testify of what I described in my last post - that Christ is the only sure, stable foundation for happiness. I hadn't "lost my testimony" or anything in the second half of October, but my journal does reveal that during the time when I was struggling spiritually, a lot of other things became "more wobbly". Academics, self-esteem, relationships, general stress levels... At the very root of my problems, I felt like I was grasping at straws for any sign or feeling of God's love for me. I couldn't understand why He would (as my journal relates) "love such a sinner as me? He gives and gives and loves, and I just try and fail." I knew that He did (and does) love me, but didn't see why.
Like I said, I've been turning myself around as I allow Christ to take me by the hand and guide me. I'm really trying to be better, and my heart is being changed. This week I've been fixated on a specific desire that I think is possible (and perhaps probably); it's a good desire, and I think it's perhaps the right one. So, I've been wanting to make it happen as soon as possible... But tonight, I felt a change in my heart: I still have the same desire, but I'm feeling much more capable of being patient for it to come to pass. I would love it if I could find out right now what this other person thinks and if he wants the same things I want, but now may not be a good time. So, I'm relying on the Lord and trusting him rather than trying to do it myself or give into my own worries. I'm taking a leap of faith... As to my desires, "If after you release a butterfly [that you've hypothetically raised], it comes back, then you know it's yours. If it doesn't come back, then it was never yours to begin with." God will make sure it works out.
I'm glad for the change that Christ is working in my heart. Someday, all my weaknesses will be made up. Someday, as I continue to be faithful and try hard, I will be as Christ is. And in the meantime, He loves me and is helping me to do the things that I need to do. I just need to trust Him.
In the name of my beloved Savior, Jesus Christ, amen.
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