The Healing Power of Gratitude

I thinked a good thought earlier tonight.

I've been praying for a lot of things lately--some big, some small. Often, those things will work out. When I realize that after the fact, I realize that it was an answered prayer; when I recognize that, I try to remember to thank God immediately so that He and I can feel my gratitude. It seems like a healthy habit to get into--returning thanks for blessings instead of accepting them and moving on without another thought.

That's when I realized something else. I think that being grateful and expressing gratitude is softening my heart towards God, which is yet another thing that I've been praying for. I feel less defensive and more open. Softer. It feels like a small thing, but it's a tender mercy and represents progress.

Gratitude is great! I hope the trend continues.

God's Guiding Hand

Looks like I haven't posted on here in over 2 months. Oops.

Good news though: I HAVE A JOB! I'll be a substitute teacher.

I'm impressed with all the blessings that have come with this job, and the things it's made me think about.

• Because of the circumstance, it was a pretty easy job for me to get hired for. I've had similar experiences with success on the first try for other important things, like getting into college and getting my student job. Part of me feels bad about it, and like I don't deserve such nice, convenient experiences that are usually really hard for people, but since working through a couple trials that require more active effort, I'm just grateful that this has worked so smoothly so far.
• I'm grateful that I have such a good mentor. I'll be subbing for a friend while she's on maternity leave, and she's been coaching me in her class procedures, and said I can contact her throughout her leave. Her training and confidence in me have done a lot to bolster my fragile confidence.
• I've had a few opportunities to meet the principal and the other teachers that I'll be working with. They are really likable, and one was even excited to work with me before she'd met me! I'm really blessed to get my first subbing opportunity in such an amazing school.
• In spite of my fears, I've been so excited and motivated by this chance to be involved in education. During the professional development that I was invited to I could practically feel stars dancing in my eyes at the vision that these teachers presented. This is such a meaningful work to be part of, and I want to learn more. It's definitely shaping my career aspirations already. I haven't even taught a class yet!

I keep switching between wild excitement and paralyzing anticipation. Sometimes I'm afraid that I won't be good enough, but I am so, SO excited to be working in an environment where I can make a difference in the world. I feel a little less overwhelmed compared to earlier this week. I'm so excited to see what I learn and where this opportunity takes me! I'm sure I'll be able to look back and clearly see God's hand in this.

HIDAGITW - Day 3

Have I Done Any Good in the World?

We had such a busy weekend! We hosted a couple teenagers for a youth activity, so Z and I probably spent five hours (a very minimal, conservative, low-end estimate) in the car dropping off and picking up the kids over the last few days. The activity ran from Friday night to Sunday afternoon, and our job was to drive them back and forth and let them sleep on our couches for a couple nights. It was a good experience, but a taxing one at times. On Saturday we got to help with a service project for church: doing a total home makeover for a single mother of five small children. We were there for 6 of the 8.5 hours and helped pick up trash, trim plants, and paint. It was such an impressive project; I didn't see the original condition of the house, but about 70 volunteers repainted the entire exterior (missing just the cupola), painted the living room and all the interior doors, removed a broken AC unit, scrubbed away at the walls inside, picked up years-old construction litter, tore out dead and overgrown bushes and trees, planted flowers out front, and probably did even more that I wasn't aware of. My muscles are still complaining, but it was great fun to work with so many neighbors.

Ways I've made the world a better place:

- Making a difference at the service project.

- Hopefully offering a friend some solid relationship advice.

- Soliciting some advice from others for my sister as she prepares to serve as a missionary.

Blessings I've received:

- I functioned mostly-ok at work even though I hadn't been that sleepy in months.

- I get to keep my student job for a couple months after graduation (new policy change), so I'll have a source of income while job-searching and something to do so that I'm not bored. And as I've stressed less about my current job, I've enjoyed it a lot more.

- I've probably used this one already, but I still have an awesome husband who loves me, makes me smile, motivates and encourages me to do better, and so many other wonderful things.

HIDAGITW - Day 2

Have I Done Any Good in the World?

Life's been a little busy, and I missed a day or two. I'd also like to record some blessings/miracles that I see in my life, because that's also a source of gratitude and happiness.

So, in the last couple days . . .

I served by
- Promptly running an errand for my sister
- Making and bringing a nice dinner to campus for my husband and I for a date
- Not griping about my husband needing my laptop while his is in for repairs

I've been blessed with
- Things running smoothly so far for our house guests this weekend
- A wonderful husband/best friend
- Family who cares

Have I Done Any Good in the World? Day 1

Last year or so ago, I did a 30 Days of Thanksgiving gratitude challenge. I don't have a certain number of days I'll be doing this, but I'd like to try another challenge: recognizing the good that I contribute to the world.

Life gets heavy sometimes, and it's hard to focus on the good things. I think that it could be a good exercise to improve self-esteem, so I'm going to try it.

Have I done any good in the world today?

Have I helped anyone in need?

Have I cheered up the sad and made someone feel glad?

If not, I have failed indeed.

Has anyone's burden been lighter today because I was willing to share?

Have the sick and the weary been helped on their way?

When they needed my help was I there?

There are chances for work all around just now,

Opportunities right in our way.

Do not let them pass by, saying, "Sometime I'll try,"

But go and do something today.

'Tis noble of man to work and to give; love's labor has merit alone.

Only he who does something helps others to live.

To God each good work will be known.

--Have I Done Any Good, hymn

Some good things I've contributed to the world in the last 24 hours:

- I've been a good listener for a couple of my friends (which blessed me in return).

- I sent a friend all the pictures I took of her and her husband at their wedding.

- I brought my husband lunch.

Grateful

I'm really grateful that Z knows how to uplift me when I have hard days. He holds me, listens to me, and finds things for us to laugh about. Unfortunately, he hurts whenever I'm in pain, and I don't know how to make that go away. I'm sorry that he shares in my suffering, but I will be eternally grateful for his sacrifice that brings us closer and lifts me up.

I've felt emotionally damaged ever since my study abroad, and maybe before then. My spirituality, social-ness, and self-worth have all taken huge hits. I want to get back though. I wrote this blog to help other people learn how to be happy in their everyday circumstances, so maybe I can read my past posts and learn from my old self. I can at least give it a shot. Maybe it can give me hope.

Looking Back and Tender Mercies

I went back and looked through all my old profile pictures on facebook, and it's been kind of sad to see the pictures, read the comments, and remember.

A couple major themes come out of my thoughts: I was/am very self-centered (even when I was getting down on myself and being "humble"), and loss has colored many happy memories and made them painful to recollect. What do you do with that?

For one, I sincerely want to grow up a bit and quit being so selfish and wondering how people think of me. Very few people go out of their way to give out insincere compliments--I just need to accept them and move on when they come! Not think about convincing the giver that I'm not really that cool or pretty. Most people were probably self-centered teenagers too, but I still regret it. I also wish I had been more thoughtful towards other people; instead, I did things like get defensive and tease my sister because I assumed that she was going to disagree with me, and I'd always subconsciously felt a need to compete with her for people's attention and love because I was insecure. I'm just tired of worrying about myself and thinking about how my selfishness has impacted others through the years.

I'm not sure what to feel about the lost friendships. People moving away, graduating, getting married... Life brings necessary changes, but part of me does mourn the fact that I won't be able to continue some of the close friendships I've had. Always being able to call Person A to go hiking, going dancing with Person B every weekend, having late-night conversations with Person C, planning to stay friends with Person X even after we broke up, always being able to confide in Person Y, chatting with Person Z who I always admired but didn't get to know very well when I had the chance, etc. I should be able to look back on the time I had with each of these people and cherish it for what it was instead of crying because things have changed and I don't have it anymore.

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I had to stop writing this post last night because my husband (who I was going to pick up from school) got a call from one of our old friends who needed his car jumped. God is surely a God of miracles. He knows exactly what we need and when to give it. My friend probably didn't think that his battery dying was a miracle, but it was a perfect opportunity for me to get outside myself and to reconnect with a friend who hadn't entirely forgotten me. After we got home, we went to visit someone from church to arrange a longer visit later, and I felt like she was just as interested in talking to me as she was to my husband (he's her home teacher), and that felt really special. I've had a hard time because I want to make friends in our new ward but I've been too shy to make it happen, even though we've been there for almost ten months; I'm used to having a posse of several close friends around all the time, but that hasn't been the case since I got married. Z and I were on our way to run an errand later in the evening, and ran into another good friend and got to chat and share some great laughs. I'm glad that Heavenly Father was looking out for me and cared enough to help me feel better. Even though I knew that my anxiety and sadness last night would be short-lived, it still hurt deeply, and God thought it was worth saving me from. Hopefully this experience can help jump-start my heart in being more faithful and devoted to the God who wants to show me that He loves me. I'm grateful that He did last night.