Friday, October 1, 2010

Getting past the Past (and looking forward)

I think I've finally reached some sense of resolution with my ex-boyfriend. Story is, he broke up with me after we had dated for just over a month earlier this year, and I felt perfectly fine with it; we both thought it was the right thing to do. When we broke up, he said he still wanted to be friends and I thought "That's great! Friends are awesome, and I don't need to worry about negative repercussions since we're parting as friends".... Unfortunately, I was wrong. Apparently, "circumstances changed", and he kept saying things like "I think we need time apart" and "I need time away from you in order to heal"... (How do you re-establish a friendship with someone if you refuse to ever see or talk to them??). What hurt me the worst was when he blocked me on facebook. I cried more over that than when we broke up, because, what can you do about it? I still had his phone number and email, but didn't use them. The only person I have blocked on facebook is a guy I knew in middle school who sent me an incredibly vulgar message soon after I got an fb account. So, I tried to forget and ignore the pain and bitterness bottled up inside. This is how it went for about 5 months. 

About a week or so ago, my ex sent me an email, out of the blue. He said he was sorry that things turned out how they did, and hoped we could still be friends. I called him back, explained some of my perspective and why I felt so hurt, and after a short but fairly comfortable conversation, he said he would remove the facebook block and that we could chat again sometime. It was so relieving, to feel like I could let go of the deeply bitter emotions and look forward to a mature friendship with him! Once again though, now a week later, I found out I was wrong. 
He finally lifted the block yesterday, so I sent him a friend request. Can you imagine my born-anew frustration when, several hours later, I got this facebook message?
I was in a lose-lose situation. If I deny your friend request, you're disappointed, if I accept because of circumstances it is not fair to my girlfriend. In the end I have to choose the to decline. I honestly hardly use facebook anyway. I don't believe that facebook would be the most appropriate form of communication. If you can't understand why then I'm sorry but I hope you can see where I'm coming from. This shouldn't be taken the wrong way. Feelings of friendship towards another should not be determined by their friend list on a online social network.
Again, he was pushing away my attempts at normal reconciliation with immature logic and excuses. I was pretty ticked, and wrote a pretty blistering reply. Yes, it's true that "feelings of friendship towards another should not be determined by their friend list on [an] online social network," but if he doesn't use facebook much, should it matter if we're friends on there? I don't write to specific people very often either, but it's an unobtrusive and effective way to see how people are doing. In my response, I said that (what I just said), I told him the things I would have shared with him if he hadn't been giving me the silent treatment all summer (my brother getting a missionary call to Indonesia, when I had an accident at work and went to the ER, and a couple other things), I told him a little about my new boyfriend, and that I was tired of trying to be his friend when this is all he does back. *Exhale* I'm not a venomous or vengeful person (I could be, but I choose to avoid it, because those are just satanic tendencies), and I did have scruples about sending him something like that, but really? I've given him so many chances. Maybe it's time that he hear this. Who knows? 

Anyway, it's been a roller-coaster of emotions (not just ups and downs, but back-and-forth, sideways, and all over) trying to sort it out. I guess it comes to this: I really am done worrying about the status of my friendship with this guy. I've given him chance after chance and extended invitation after invitation, and now I've said all there is to be said. Trying to block out the memory won't do me any good, because it is part of my past experience; nor do I need to constantly worry about it or rehash the issue. I've done what I could, and now I wash my hands of the matter: there's nothing I more I need to do about it, and those chains need no longer drag me down. I'm letting it go, and looking forward to the future. The pains and the joys of the future will be far greater than whatever I've gone through already, but that makes life all the richer. It will be worth it. 

***And seriously? I'm dating one of the MOST AMAZING guys I've ever known right now. We feel so comfortable with each other and are already good friends (and that friendship forms the base of our relationship). All we're missing is the duration of time in order to sink down deeper roots. He is just what I need; I'm so grateful we met, and that things have come together the way they have. It's beautiful and perfect; I couldn't have dreamed it any better than it is now :) It's just right.

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