Thursday, November 4, 2010

Chocolate donuts and Hard times

Chocolate-frosted donettes don't make problems go away.

In spite of the sugary sweetness, the anxieties just continue to sulk in the back of my mind and try to creep through the shadows to the forefront where they can consume me. I'm not going to let them get that far, but they are still worrisome. Mostly it's silly things that hide beneath the surface until someone throws in a line and starts fishing. Sometimes it's hard to avoid feeling like I haven't changed much since middle school or early high school: that I'm still insecure, inadequate, lonely and loved only by a few. Then I remember that for all my weaknesses and failings, there are definitely parts of me that have changed. And that gives me hope for the others still remaining. I'm not as shy as I used to be. I'm more willing to go out of my way to be interested in and help others instead of wallowing in my own needs. I've learned some skills, gained some experiences, and am constantly adjusting (hopefully for the permanent betterment) the lens through which I view the world and my own life. I'm being shaped and changed by my experiences, and I'm having a reciprocal effect on people around me.

Yeah, life's frustrating sometimes. Sometimes it's embarrassing, or awkward, or lonely, or seemingly full of failures. But after I've gone down the road a little further, I'm surprised when I look back through my journal or listen to a friend reminisce and I recall just how stressed out I was over the summer, or how much my best guy friend broke my heart. The extreme pain of those experiences has simply faded into nearly-forgotten memory. There's some old wounds that get split open and lemon juice spilled in them once in a while, but that's okay. They'll eventually heal. If not anytime soon, I know they'll be healed someday, when all ends are made right, every injustice paid for, and every scar and tumor healed. I just need to keep looking forward to that day; and not just looking forward, but moving forward: accumulating more experiences, learning more, and refining that lens on life. That said, it's time for me to put away the chocolate donuts, take some more cold medicine, and go to sleep. Life goes on, whether I feel ready to face it or not, so I might as well make the best of it.

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